The Moments

Everyday we are placed in an array of situations. As humans we are all about moments. We look forward to certain moments in our life that we know will raise the hair on our skin. We also know there will be moments that make our stomach feel like it has a crazed monkey inside of it. We pay money for moments of exhilaration. We pray for moments of happiness. And we suffer the pains of hard moments. In the grand of scheme of things, events in our lives are just moments. Now, before you think I am getting all philosophical and such, hold on, I am getting to the point. I want to talk about some of the awkward times.

Whether public or private, this place can be extremely uncomfortable. Cleanliness has a lot to do with it. I wonder if those thin sheets of paper that you place over the throne really does anything... or if the soap is really up to par. Public restrooms have to be the worst. I do not understand urinal/toilet talk. Some stranger thinks I want to talk? I don't know you, and if you don't mind, I wanna just take care of business. I am not camping up in here. We aren't at an art exhibit. In and out, that is what I am about.
Then you have those lines for stalls. Eww. I would rather not know who used the stall before me. Call me crazy, but I do not want to know who decimated the bowl prior to my visit. I like to pretend that the toilets first use was me. It makes me feel better about my situation.

People often stand too close to you. I love standing in line with girls when people get too close. For some reason they clutch their purse like it has some actual value. Everyone knows it is a knock of Prada bag, and no one wants your used chapstick. But there are some times when it feels like the guy behind you is about to go through your pockets. He is almost breathing down your neck, in fact you can hear and feel his breathing pattern, which is very annoying.
The worst lines is when people are waiting upon you. You can feel their eyes burning into the back of your skull. Sometimes they are staring so hard that your hair actually starts to smoke. The funny thing is that they are going to take just as long as you. Impatient and hypocritical jerks... just look at traffic. The ultimate line game.


Awful feeling. Shoulder peepers are a huge pet peeve of mine. Get off my back. Last time I checked I didn't post a wanted ad on craigslist for a parrot. I hate that feeling on the back of the neck, the one where it makes you bend your neck in an unnatural way. Forcing the back of your head down to your vertebrae.
Part of this is invading someone else space. The forced stare. Have you ever been in a class, or a meeting, some kind of gathering, and you are forced to stare at one person. For some reason you cannot take your eyes off them. You look away, but somehow, like a gravity pull, your eyes are back on them. The thing is they aren't that striking, not in a beautiful way, but in an x-files way. Its as if your eyes can't get enough. Disturbing. You hope they don't notice, but they do, and the game gets out of control.

Adding to the offense is bad breath. Need I say more? Good golly miss molly, ever heard of hygiene? Just knowing any part of me smells like a rotting corpse makes me shiver. If I can smell myself, I am pretty sure everyone else can. I try my best to hide the smell by creating space. People try to engage me in a conversation, I back away. Sometimes I cover myself in a blanket, enveloping the smell in a tightly wound taco. Then I get swass and swalls. That in itself can make anyone go nuts. Sweating sucks. Pit sweat too. Anytime you suffer from the perspiration, you think of that axe commercial, and wonder if that is about to go down.

There are many more examples. Go ahead and submit them. If you dare. Or add upon this incomplete and random list.

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