THE PHATOM POST
My friend told me that I wrote some post about why guys do not really want to be friends with girls. I have never written such a post. I have talked with him about it, maybe in passing, or a short text at four in the morning, but I have not tackled this straight on. Here it is. Thrilling, I know, like the seventh Rocky that is coming out soon... The Expendables. Good ol' Sly.
Take what I say with a grain of salt.
FACT: Boys, over the age of eight, do not want to be friends with girls.
1. When boys turn eight they can choose right from wrong. Therefore, they gain a knowledge and understanding that being friends with a girl sucks. Unless they have homosexual tendencies. Wait that is wrong. So, it is a double negative and shouldn't exist. Glad we cleared that up.
a. Girls cannot belch, throw, fart, eat, pee, run, talk, or do any other daily activity like a boy. Sexiest? Yes. Because there are two sexes. One is more prone to other skills than the other. Pretty obvious.
b. Girls do not like to be silly and stupid as much a boys do. Meaning, girls silly is painting toe nails and giggling about Bobby's cute mole on his face. Guys silliness is throwing pennies at cars and making fun other of each other. Girls mature much faster.
2. Men were designed to be attracted to girls, and visa versa. IE Scarlet Johansen. Brad Pitt.
a. I have had a crush on a girl since I can remember. When I was in the "special school", I crushed mad on my teacher. Then it was Jess, then Crystal, then Cindy, then Rachel, then Cindy again, then Ashley and Kiley... this can go on till right now. Boys have the hots for ladies all the time. HARDWIRED INTO US. Take a physiology or human sexuality class.
3. Would you rather watch how to lose a guy in ten days or you've got mail. Neither? Oh, sorry, that is what she wants to watch tonight for the hang out, while your man friends are tipping back on dew and watching Walker Texas Ranger. OUCH. Have fun. Maybe you should put some moisturizer on your hands too.
4. Watch Just Friends. He hated being her friend. He loved that blonde like I love raspberry jam. And I LOVE raspberry jam, especially on toast. What happens in the end. Seals the deal.
If you are still not convinced, then I have not done my job. Ask a man. Ask Jeeves. Ask your mother. I bet she married her best friend. Yeah, cause he was never her friend. She thought that... but he didn't, now you exist. Thank your dad next time you see him. Say, "Father, thank you for not allowing yourself to stay in the friends zone. You have done society a great service. I owe my life to you and will now dedicate it to you. I will make myself a successful person in this world and contribute to the community in which I live. I will be a an outstanding citizen. I will make a difference in more ways than you can now imagine or dream. You are my hero."
I sure hope Bud Light makes a Real Men of Genius commercial about the saps that believe being friends with girls is cool. Ok. Said that wrong. Guys just don't want to be friends. They want more than swapping stories about... whatever girls like to share with boys... and not cuddling while watching a movie. Boys want love; aka coodies.