I'm not from Hersey, but I do the H-town boogie.

Advice is kind of like a text book. You can read a text book, but don't really understand its context until it comes time for a practical. People love to give their own pointers, acting like that is the only way to handle a situation. I am kind of being vague. Lemme explain. All of us ask or have asked for dating advice, music advice, shaving advice, but how many of us have actually taken it? I think it is all an act. We just like to bring that kind of drama, like the help of our friend is going to save the relationship, find some cool artists, or prevent the irritation. We have already made up our mind. We just like thinking out loud.

However, when it comes to kissing (I have no idea what is on that website, seriously), you better ask someone if you got the VL's. A bad kiss at the end of a perfect night is like a car wreck at the end of a Wendy's run. The damage is insurmountable. No one wants the value frosty, or the spicy chicken sandwich, which is so good. Everyone just wants it to be over. So, for the VL's, ask someone. A friend of yours that is considered a lip whore. They will know. I do want to state that kisses shouldn't be handed out like herseys. Save those bad boys, make them mean something.

But if you do not have a lip whore friend, then listen up, cause I have a guest, who will remain anonymous, but I can assure you he knows what he is talking about.

Me: What makes a good kiss?
Great kisser: Passion. 
Me: Do you want to elaborate?
GK: Yes, I would like to elaborate. *chuckle* Uh, hmmm, *walks out of the interview area, and brings back a piece of paper* 
Me: I am so confused right now. You're writing this down? Why?
GK: I don't want people to listen. It's weird.

Me: So if you were to rate yourself, as a kisser, what would it be? Numerical value, 100 is the best. 
GK: Easy 85. 
Me: Huh, that is kinda low. I hope your being humble... Please just talk. This is dumb. Quit writing your responses down, no one in the tutor lab is listening.
GK: The secret behind any good kiss is the level of passion behind it. The greater the feelings, the more memorable the kiss... Also teasing; go in close enough for your lips to touch, but don't kiss! Just whisper... make em want it... remember, anticipation heightens emotion.
Me: Couldn't agree with you more. But let's say you are new to the kissing scene, how should you handle yourself? 
GK: Practice makes perfect.

Me: I'm saying your going to have your first kiss, what then? Should I use a pillow, to practice on?
GK: If it helps build your confidence, sure. *Shoots me a dirty look* But you can't expect to be a Casanova on your first kiss. Some people are naturals. Make sure it is with someone you know well, that will help eliminate nerves. 
Me: Interesting. So, should you choose someone you know well so that they will be more eager to forgive you if you totally suck?
GK: *Scough* In that case, honesty would be more helpful. Don't be afraid to tell someone they are a bad kisser.

Me: Another hypothetical question, let's say I am bad kisser, what can I do to avoid being a bad kisser? Like, what makes me bad? 
GK: Identify the problems and then fix them. If you are a teeth knocker, back it off, quit smiling so much. If you are a tornado tongue, slow down the cyclone. If you are a lizard, try and find a rhythm. Too much saliva, bad breath, and spear-fishing all need to be identified and handled accordingly.
Me: That was insightful. Can you show me?
GK: Nah. No. Uh uh. *Shakes head*
Me: Just testing you. Last question. What do I do with my hands?
GK: Keep them from wandering. Back scratch, more like a tickle, or arm tickling. If you are feeling lucky, throw in a butt smack. Ask Cox about that.


Scott said...

good breath. be soft. slow down. end it when you both don't want to.

John said...

don't do it. didn't i already tell you this? kissing is stupid. and pointless. write a blog instead.