I'm not from Hersey, but I do the H-town boogie.

Advice is kind of like a text book. You can read a text book, but don't really understand its context until it comes time for a practical. People love to give their own pointers, acting like that is the only way to handle a situation. I am kind of being vague. Lemme explain. All of us ask or have asked for dating advice, music advice, shaving advice, but how many of us have actually taken it? I think it is all an act. We just like to bring that kind of drama, like the help of our friend is going to save the relationship, find some cool artists, or prevent the irritation. We have already made up our mind. We just like thinking out loud.

However, when it comes to kissing (I have no idea what is on that website, seriously), you better ask someone if you got the VL's. A bad kiss at the end of a perfect night is like a car wreck at the end of a Wendy's run. The damage is insurmountable. No one wants the value frosty, or the spicy chicken sandwich, which is so good. Everyone just wants it to be over. So, for the VL's, ask someone. A friend of yours that is considered a lip whore. They will know. I do want to state that kisses shouldn't be handed out like herseys. Save those bad boys, make them mean something.

But if you do not have a lip whore friend, then listen up, cause I have a guest, who will remain anonymous, but I can assure you he knows what he is talking about.

Me: What makes a good kiss?

Great kisser: Passion. 

Me: Do you want to elaborate?
GK: Yes, I would like to elaborate. *chuckle* Uh, hmmm, *walks out of the interview area, and brings back a piece of paper* 

Me: I am so confused right now. You're writing this down? Why?

GK: I don't want people to listen. It's weird.

Me: So if you were to rate yourself, as a kisser, what would it be? Numerical value, 100 is the best. 

GK: Easy 85. 

Me: Huh, that is kinda low. I hope your being humble... Please just talk. This is dumb. Quit writing your responses down, no one in the tutor lab is listening.

GK: The secret behind any good kiss is the level of passion behind it. The greater the feelings, the more memorable the kiss... Also teasing; go in close enough for your lips to touch, but don't kiss! Just whisper... make em want it... remember, anticipation heightens emotion.

Me: Couldn't agree with you more. But let's say you are new to the kissing scene, how should you handle yourself? 

GK: Practice makes perfect.

Me: I'm saying your going to have your first kiss, what then? Should I use a pillow, to practice on?

GK: If it helps build your confidence, sure. *Shoots me a dirty look* But you can't expect to be a Casanova on your first kiss. Some people are naturals. Make sure it is with someone you know well, that will help eliminate nerves. 

Me: Interesting. So, should you choose someone you know well so that they will be more eager to forgive you if you totally suck?

GK: *Scough* In that case, honesty would be more helpful. Don't be afraid to tell someone they are a bad kisser.

Me: Another hypothetical question, let's say I am bad kisser, what can I do to avoid being a bad kisser? Like, what makes me bad? 

GK: Identify the problems and then fix them. If you are a teeth knocker, back it off, quit smiling so much. If you are a tornado tongue, slow down the cyclone. If you are a lizard, try and find a rhythm. Too much saliva, bad breath, and spear-fishing all need to be identified and handled accordingly.

Me: That was insightful. Can you show me?

GK: Nah. No. Uh uh. *Shakes head*

Me: Just testing you. Last question. What do I do with my hands?

GK: Keep them from wandering. Back scratch, more like a tickle, or arm tickling. If you are feeling lucky, throw in a butt smack. Ask Cox about that.

True T-Bird?

Every college or university has some kind of rite of passage that one must go through to become legit. Like paying tuition isn't enough to say that you are apart of the University. Or painting your entire body for a football game. Nope, not enough. You have to do something that the student body president and his/her cronkies decided was clever. Like being a "true T-Bird".

Homecoming week has a night called, "True T-Bird Night." On Friday night everyone, and I mean everyone, the ugly, the wierdos, the tough guys, gather around this statue of Old Sorrel. At midnight everyone lubes up their lips and kisses another person. Cool huh? It is a perfect excuse to just get some undeserving action. The problem is that you cannot just show up and kiss a stranger. No, no, you have to secure a for sure lip smack. Get on the dial, call everyone you know, text em, facebook em. Whatever you have to do, because going stag to that exclusive club could be suicide. UNLESS, you are a balsy son of a gun. If you got the guts to go alone and kiss a stranger, then you are a baller. Baller status. I mean, if someone does that, they enter into the HOF. No questions asked. They get a gold jacket.

This is the only time of year, well besides New Years, that you can ask for a booty call. There is a problem with this though... isn't there? I mean, giving up a kiss, like a... slut? Lip whore? I dunno, it just doesn't settle right with me. What does that say about yourself? Like just this one night I will let down my standards and kiss some shmoe, that will mean nothing. Call me old fashioned, but pointless kisses and make outs seem so lame. Plus, I really don't see the correlation between a stupid kiss and becoming a true T-Bird.

If I was student body president, also known as SBP, I would make being a true T-bird a lot cooler and more exclusive. In order to be a true T-bird, when I am SBP, you have to either:
  A. Have a dance off with the Mascot at the center of what ever playing surface he is at... and win. Obviously. We aren't giving this title out like oranges at AYSO games.
  B. Attempt the gallon challenge on the front row of your math class. This also MUST be documented. Yeah, you have to hold it down for at least 10 seconds. Duh.
  C. Sleep in the Presidents home or within two feet of any door. But if you are on the outside, you have to stay there until you are discovered.
  D. Water balloon people in the library during finals.

I am up for suggestions. I would feel a lot more proud to be a true T-bird doing these things... for sure.