Basic School Rules

Look back into your memory banks for a minute and recall the first day of school. You sit down, check out the cuties in the class (but if you are a business major you just sink down in your chair), and wait. You brought your whole bag, but why? You already know that this is going to be the easiest day of the year, all you get is the syllabus and some lame jokes from your professor, who claims he/she makes no money. The syllabus will have all of your assignments, some disclaimers, and some basic class rules, or rules that are unique to the class; regarding late assignments, tardiness, attendance, and extra credit. While we are in college, most of us have a basic understanding of social skills and etiquette, I have found that some have missed the boat.

Here I am, sitting in a computer lab for my business stats class. My foreign teacher is talking about A's over P's, or something, and I notice this dude sitting in front of me with his hand down the back of the his shirt. The movements look familiar, like I have done this in the mirror, but usually with my back to the mirror. Slowly, it hits me. You know, like when you realize how easy it would be to steal a car; that kind of epiphany.... He is picking zits in class... He is popping his pimples, that are on his upper back, shoulders, and neck, in class. He is doing this openly. He is fine with everyone seeing this. He is happy I think. He looks at his index and thumb, to see how much booty he just mined out of his back. Unashamed, clueless, probably home schooled. I start to get sick as he digs harder and harder into his skin.

As I get a little more grossed out than the time I saw all of my institute teachers naked in the SUU locker room, I realize that I need to do something. I panic. I make a loud noise. Like a wounded animal, or when NBA players get the ball stripped as the take it to the hole. All eyes are on me. Good. It has stopped. At least for today. Tomorrow I will have to sit up in front, with the foreign exchange students.

A bigger distraction is my offensive lineman friend in Business Law. The guy has a name to prove his worth, Shower-hammer. You know he knows how to throw his weight around with a name like that. Being as big as he is, you have to expect that everything revolving around and in his body is big. Like the meals he eats, the clothes he wears, and the flem he coughs up in class.

Mid sentence in Professor Lewis lecture, Hammer decides to lay down the law. He has a something he needs to get out, whether that is his lung, appendix, a lie, or a midget he ate, he has to launch in out of his body into his mouth. I wonder why really. He coughs the "thing" up, only to shallow it back down. I am pretty sure, unless he spits it into his sleeve.

Then I hear about this girl in the tutor lab that actually sucks her thumb and picks her nose at the same time. When Mowgli is the odd duck in the room, you know you have problems. So what is up SUU? Where do these kiddies come from? 

Business...

If you follow my twitter page and my facebook page, you know that I love business classes. If you didn't know that, now you know, and you probably feel like an idiot for not getting on the web to see what my statuses are... not that you don't have a lot to check anyways. Youtube. Gmail. Folkstory.us. Your lousy blog. Your families blog pictures. ESPN. SI. Your bank account. The onion. Facebook. Blah blah blah. I have completed my general education credits. Now, I just have my core, the focus of my major. I am sure you are familiar with this concept. What this really means is that I now am stuck with the same sorry group of people in all of my classes. Yes, SUU is that small. Every day I arise with the knowledge that I will see the other "happy" business people.

The classes are interesting. I love learning about accounts payable, tax codes, and the Sarbanes-Oxley Act. Not. I still have some hoops to jump through before the fun classes. Not only is the material rather bland, the company is a bunch of pissed off, opinionated, and cash hungry kids. I am not just being negative - I am kinda - but my other buddies have mentioned to me how angry some of the kids seem. My first day of business law I almost saw Piggy get eaten. All Piggy said was that he could find the workbook in the book store, which was a bad idea because it obviously showed his weakness, and the hunters attacked. "Well, I found the book." "Yeah, I was there like, just before this class, so 15 minutes ago. And it WAS there."

The second casualty came just minutes later. When the professor asked how our current political movement has affected the economy. A girl in the back suggested that while the economy is suffering now, the future looks bright under the leadership of Obama and co. So many hands shot up I had to move my head to the side so I would get slapped. "This is worse than the great depression." "Obama might as well be FDR! He is has done more to tear this country apart than any other man!" "We are moving towards a fascism government. Our politicians have truly lost their way, they have forgotten what true libertarianism is!" I swallowed hard.

Hours later, another building, another class, another student calculates a statistic problem incorrectly. He is murdered on site. Harassed from all sides. I put my calculator away, pretending that I don't have one. That way I will be safe. I don't know what it is about these people, but they have ZERO tolerance. I fear that I may not last through the semester.

Just keep telling myself its business time. I'm a business, man.

Blood, Cleavage, and Darkness, all found in spook alley...

I have not been a fan of Halloween for over 10 years. Mom wanted us to go trick-or-treating, but I didn't want to. I just dressed up to look like my older brother, Scott and called it good. That was the last time I dressed up for Halloween. That was the last straw, and decided to be my own man. Since that day I have been trying to figure out why I hate this "fun" holiday. Can we agree on one thing, it is a weird holiday. I'm not even sure where the tradition came from. I heard that Halloween comes from Ireland. They used to carve turnips and dress up. Then I heard Halloween came from the carnival celebration in Spain, in honor of the dead. The problem with this holiday, as with most holidays, we have created so many new traditions that the original idea (which I am not even sure what that is... I didn't check Wikipedia) and holiday has been all but abandoned.

One new tradition (feel free to correct me) is the obsession with the scary side of Halloween. I truly dislike the blood, carnage, and all creepy things associated with Halloween. Where do people get this passion for looking like they have been mutilated or decapitated? The most common costume is the vampire and zombie; both kill and use humans for food. That is really fun and cool. I wish I was like that.... Demented beings that must be servants of the devil. Then again Michael did a really good job. 

Then you have those haunted houses and scary movies....evil and gross. Call me a party pooper, but personally I don't find either of those things fun in the slightest. People dressed up in masks, covered in blood, walking up on you, or blocking your way, just moving in an ominous way, then others scream and yell... or are crawling on the ground, like they are going to grab your feet. It is true, that usually I want to pay some fee to go into a place that makes me uncomfortable. (Personally I think the Catholic church got that figured out... you know... paying for... oh never mind.) Then again, I can just go on a date. But haunted houses give a fear that isn't fun. Going on a roller coaster - fun fear. Getting scared - Crappy fear. 

Then at night, after the partying is over, everyone wants to watch a scary movie. The only reason I can even watch a scary movie is because they are so surreal that it is hard not to watch, like an accident, or looking at Jocelyn Wildenstein. Then when I'm home, all alone, it's dark inside, I get out my shotgun and sleep with it in my bed for fear that leatherface is gunna come get me. 


Maybe I just hate dressing up. I think some costumes are really clever. I saw Joaquin Phoenix, Alan Garner, Tim Lincecum, and even an Avatar. Then, as with all things, I saw the opposite-- obtuse. I don't think that word does justice to what I saw. Immodest? Perhaps, totally inappropriate? Girls were dressed as sluts and boys as gigolos. Notice that I said girls and boys... cause that is their maturity; an adolescent who is foolish and insecure. The whole episode of the howl was very telling of people's inner commitment to a moral code. I may sound judgmental, I guess I am, but I think that when people claim to live a certain lifestyle their actions and dress should mirror what they "believe" and "preach." I do not feel that the excuse, "It's Halloween right? We're just having fun!" works. Justification is the grease on the slippery pole to hell. All I am saying is walk the walk. And even if they do not have the predominate set of moral codes, they should at least wait to get dirty behind closed doors, isn't that a given? At least respect the individuals around you enough. I wondered if people misinterpreted where we were. A gymnasium is not a brothel or a private bedroom. Big Ben made a similar mistake as to where he should act like a "boy". 


Overall I think Halloween is a dark day. The traditions that come with Halloween are not uplifting. Look at all of the other holidays, they are fun, filled with joy and laughter... maybe not president's day... but at least it's patriotic. Halloween is nothing more than a carved facade that is disturbing. Cakes are decorated with realistic looking fingers and eyeballs. Orange and black, dreadful colors, intertwine themselves everywhere. Blood smears itself on the faces of ugly candy eaters. Horror is sought after like a destructive drug. Standards are surrendered to the darkness that engulf the night. Halloween is the worst holiday of them all. But Nevada day makes up for it. 

True T-Bird?

Every college or university has some kind of rite of passage that one must go through to become legit. Like paying tuition isn't enough to say that you are apart of the University. Or painting your entire body for a football game. Nope, not enough. You have to do something that the student body president and his/her cronkies decided was clever. Like being a "true T-Bird".

Homecoming week has a night called, "True T-Bird Night." On Friday night everyone, and I mean everyone, the ugly, the wierdos, the tough guys, gather around this statue of Old Sorrel. At midnight everyone lubes up their lips and kisses another person. Cool huh? It is a perfect excuse to just get some undeserving action. The problem is that you cannot just show up and kiss a stranger. No, no, you have to secure a for sure lip smack. Get on the dial, call everyone you know, text em, facebook em. Whatever you have to do, because going stag to that exclusive club could be suicide. UNLESS, you are a balsy son of a gun. If you got the guts to go alone and kiss a stranger, then you are a baller. Baller status. I mean, if someone does that, they enter into the HOF. No questions asked. They get a gold jacket.

This is the only time of year, well besides New Years, that you can ask for a booty call. There is a problem with this though... isn't there? I mean, giving up a kiss, like a... slut? Lip whore? I dunno, it just doesn't settle right with me. What does that say about yourself? Like just this one night I will let down my standards and kiss some shmoe, that will mean nothing. Call me old fashioned, but pointless kisses and make outs seem so lame. Plus, I really don't see the correlation between a stupid kiss and becoming a true T-Bird.

If I was student body president, also known as SBP, I would make being a true T-bird a lot cooler and more exclusive. In order to be a true T-bird, when I am SBP, you have to either:
  A. Have a dance off with the Mascot at the center of what ever playing surface he is at... and win. Obviously. We aren't giving this title out like oranges at AYSO games.
  B. Attempt the gallon challenge on the front row of your math class. This also MUST be documented. Yeah, you have to hold it down for at least 10 seconds. Duh.
  C. Sleep in the Presidents home or within two feet of any door. But if you are on the outside, you have to stay there until you are discovered.
  D. Water balloon people in the library during finals.

I am up for suggestions. I would feel a lot more proud to be a true T-bird doing these things... for sure.