Whitney: decent at singing.

Uncle Dave-O

I have a nephew, Ethan, who I call  E-O. Without anyone telling him, he called me Dave-O right back. He is maybe four or five? Super smart kid, naturally funny, and he likes me-- a perfect candidate to become just like me. Puuurrfect.

We were on a family hike near Provo, going to some falls, when I realized that I could help E-O get ahead of the curve. We were racing against his older, and much more competitive brother Ezra and his friend, when they started to insult each other.
"Hey, slow-man..."      "What? bumble berry bottom!"    "Don't fall off the cliff."
You get the idea. A nun could have done better. I nudged E-O. "Tell them that they will never be successful in life." He did, without hesitation, and they couldn't respond. After a few minutes of silence, trying to process this prophetic message, they threw out "Yeah, well, you can't eat breakfast, cause your teeth are rotten." E-O knew better, he looked at me, eager to learn from a fountain of never ending knowledge. "Say, good luck on your 401K. Oh wait, you'll be unemployed for the rest of your life!" His delivery was sublime. I gave him an approving nod. It was over their heads. E-O was getting excited about the results of these statements. I was too, for he was learning art. I gave him another one to put the nail on the coffin, "Good luck finding happiness with your personality."

I am a good uncle. I am preparing my nieces and nephews for the real world. Gotta know how to throw sticks and stones so they can crush opponents. This is a world of ever increasing competition. Is your posterity going to be left behind?

He's not a lad, brother; he's a man!

A few months ago, a dear friend, Mr. Pack, asked me to write about one skill that every man should possess. Initially, I thought, "easy, no problem," (I said those words, in my head, like Brian Regan; around the one minute mark). Then, I thought of all of the skills that Asians have to have, that I will never need to have. So, I narrowed it down, to Americans living on the west coast, who have never had to save another humans life by administering an adrenaline shot.
But even that search yielded too many variables, so I refined it some more. They cannot have a felony or have served time in jail. Finally, I had found my perfect sample size, but what skill should every man, who has never had to give an adrenaline shot or served time, need to know?

Changing a tire was too obvious. I had to go with something original, yet classy. Something classy like a wrestling singlet. Spitting wasn't classy enough. This skill couldn't be too simple either. Yelling? C'mon. Every demographic had to be able as well... East Indians can not throw a football. See the dilemma?! In some way or another, I couldn't relate to every single man out there. One would say, in really dumb voice, "that doesn't apply to me." But just like every man, it is bred into me that I don't have to please anyone. Selfish pig.

After hours, days, and weeks of thinking about what skill I should select, I realized that I was making this far too complex. I looked at man and asked, what sets man apart from all of the other beasts? When does a boy know he is a man? What is it that man does that makes him so manly? At mans basic form, the roots his existence, man has always needed to know how to do one thing, peeing straight.

Seriously, this is a skill. This is something that we are not born with.