My case for Cedar City

A lot of my friends are ready to get out of Cedar. They are tired of the scene. They were either raised in Cedar or grew up near by. They believe that moving to a place like Provo will solve all of their problems. I guess I may have a skewed view, being from a different state, but I think I have some good points to consider.

1. They hate guys who flex their nuts. Cause real gangstas don't flex nuts, cause real gangstas know they got em. Provo is filled to capacity with a bunch of lifted truck, ambercrombie, tough acting clowns. Here in cedar we worry about a few. Now multiple that by 1000. That is how many there are in provo, too many to count. And that effects every aspect of my boys lives.
a) Girls. For some unknown and idiotic reason, girls tend to lean towards these greasy pigs with deniro running out of their ears. Maybe its their money, good looks, or pseudo charm. I don't know. I am no Mel Gibson, but my intuition tells me that a woman would love a man for the inside. Then again, I have been wrong more than once.
b) Intramural sports. No one likes losing, and my friends HATE losing to douche bags. Welcome to P-Town. And they may say, "Oh, we won't lose." They will. Ex. Intramural basketball, slow pitch softball, flag football.

2. Say goodbye to this tight knit group. It will disband. The Herd will be no more. Men will move on. Provo is big. Gas is pricey and women are plenty. No more liming with the boys. The demise of the herd is inevitable, but it will decay b/c of lame reasons that are found in provo. No more ping-pong, recording records in Chads basement, making fun of me, running over trash cans, and sitting around wondering what we are going to do. All of the sudden they will be able to make decisions about what they want to do! They won't need a group. They will get g/f... which is cool. I guess. I don't know, i've never had one.

3. Church. Crying and lying, open mike night, the shout out, truth or dare, or as some people call it: testimony meeting, will be more of a competition and disgrace there. The meat market it fueled by liars and thieves. No one wants to support that kind of race. My brothers hate that type of situation, but by going to provo, they will expose themselves to it more often than just church. These fools litter dance parties, sitting in the hall explaining why they are so spiritual, rather than dancing. They will be in the burger joints, conducting mini district meetings with their return missionary friends. They will be on the linger longer commitee kicking people out of the chapel.

4. Cedar forces men to be creative. To think outside of the box. It is the last frontier, daring its inhabitants to explore, to reach beyond themselves and find who they really are. The red rock, high mountains, and wind blown trees are a testimate of this type of transformation that occurs. Character and ruggedness are the attributes that this land produces. Would my friends rather be a Calvin Kline model, or a man, like Robert Redford. Metro sexual or Rugged. Dana Carvey or Jack Black. Alex Rodriguez or Johnny Damon. Kyle Korver or Raja Rohndo. Lady Gaga or Pink. Provo or Cedar. Move to provo. Hang up the potato gun, any kind of gun, the creative hat, the gloves, and trade it in for "i am going to be just like the rest of them" hat. Damn that.

5. Be someone or be apart of the crowd.

Disclaimer: I want to move to provo.

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