Post nothing at all... however, I think I have a little nugget of funniness. That has nothing to do with me in this shark costume.
Over a month ago, maybe longer, I went on a date with this girl named Trisha*. How I came to meet Trisha foreshadows what kind of a date we would have. I was at a dance party. The lights were pretty dim, frankly it was dark, but I see this girl who knows how to move. I like girls that know how to move. I make my way over to this blonde headed girl and dance with her. I get her number, which I never do, so I felt pretty good about myself. After the allotted time that guys are supposed to wait, I call her and set up a date.
Mowgli and his g/f, McCall, accompany me to pick her up. The anticipation is running high, I haven't been on a date in a LONG time. I go to her door and the girl that comes out is not the same I remember dancing with. I am a little disappointed. As we get into the car the awkwardness creeps in heavy. I ask some of the pointless first date questions, hoping that they will move the clock faster. I feel Mowgs and McCall listening to everything, which makes me even more uncomfortable.
We get to the APX building, which is a big kids playground. We decide to play horse, but after watching Trisha shoot the ball we agree that pig is a better choice. The whole concept of matching the shot and going in order is just too much for her. Maybe she was nervous, but pig might as well have been taking integrals for her. I noticed something else odd. She kept standing behind me and to the side, so creating a conversation was extremely difficult. I kept having to turn my neck at a funny angle to even see her. Then I smelt her, and realized why. I knew that smell from the dance party. Poor girl, bless her heart.
Naturally, it is now my turn to make this date better. I take her home in my car and the conversation becomes more comfortable. Then I recognize the PoPo5o. The Pearl still doesn't have lights. I pull over before his lights flash bright. She is looking confused. I explain that I am a cheap-o and still haven't replaced the lights for a year and have just been trying to dodge the police. The officer comes to the window and I get my shiznit out. He notices two things in my glove compartment that I have forgotten about, a shiny silver hip flask and my throwing knife. I see that he sees them, and he sees that I saw that he saw them, she sees that he and I saw them. I know he is wondering what I am wondering. She is probably wondering what you are wondering, we are all wondering the same thing. WHY? Why do I have a hip flask and a knife? Hip flask was from a game I played at work... I used to take swigs of it without being noticed. When people did see me, they would give me a really funny look. I promise, not a single drop of alcohol has touched that flask. The knife, you never know when you might need to throw a knife.
I hope I have done justice to this date, because it was the worst of my life. Imagine if I was really into this girl? Gosh, I would be just heartbroken. I am glad that I went through it though. Now, on a first date if I get asked, "So, David, what has been your worst date?" I can tell this story instead of looking at some broad and say without blinking, "You."
*Trisha's name is not Trisha.