Man, Eff the police.

I mean it. Eff da police. All of them are power hungry, rude, non contributing zeros. They are people who just gave up on their dreams. Kids do not want to grow up and be a traffic cop. Unless they get off on being an ass. Should have just been a customer service rep for Verizon. Interesting fact, Cops always have terrible credit. Idiots, they'll never qualify for a mortgage. Another fact, they always have small packages. Cops are just a bunch of mouth breathers. It's not like I can just come into their normal life and be like, "Hey man, what you are doing, with that mustache and wife beater, it's against the rules. HEY! HEY! Don't talk, I am in control. Don't make me flex my nuts." Final fact, they have such large heads and smell of BRUTE.

That was a little harsh. They do a lot for us; they keep the peace, pretend to care, keep people from speeding. I know. I just don't get the hostility to people who are not rude to them. I.E. me. I get pulled over so much that I think I deserve a "frequent stopped card". It's sabotage man. I am a vet. I've been through their bogus routine so much, that I have my registration, licence, and proof of insurance as I pull over to the side of the road.

I love their line of questioning when they come up to the window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Wait, is that rhetorical. Like, you actually want a response. Ummm, yes. Yes I do. Then, after I have stated that I do in fact know that I was breaking the law, they repeat back to me what I did. Thanks officer, but I am not the one that is going to have to fill out paper work. 
"Get your licence, insurance, and registration." Please maybe? Just once, in your life, be polite. Oh, that's too hard. You should have been a lunch lady then. And why the heck are you standing so far back from the window. You can clearly see I have no weapon in or around my lap.

Then they do that whole "let's wait in the car" line of B.S. 
Really dude/butch? I know that it takes you .5 seconds to find out that I have nothing on my record. Is this a 'timeout' or something? Okay, fine, I'll put my nose into the steering wheel and think about what I have done. Just give me a spanking next time. Timeouts are for girls. 

They come back to the car and pretend to be all cool cause they "reduced" the ticket. And here I am, thanking THEM! I just have to bend over and take it cause I don't want to have to literally bend over in county. I say "Officer" and "Oh. Thanks," just to cover my bases. I wish I could be forthcoming and say, "You just ruined my day. I hope one of your kids is allergic to peanuts and falls into a bathtub full of peanuts. Or better yet, I hope someone tapes your eye lids shut with permanent tape," (but seriously, how frustrating. AHH I can't get this tape off! And its @#!$&*# tape!). 

3 comments:

Scott said...

Totally feel ya bro. I have thought these guys are scouting out my routine just to pull me over...its so frequent there can't possibly be another reason. Keep this in mind for proof...

Besides regular cops, I've been pulled over by:

A Plane
A Sheriff
A Game Warden. Yep. A Game Warden

And...
I've been "pulled over" and then subsequently arrested for being parked as a "suspicious vehicle" in a construction site owned by Dad, booked in county on charges of a failure to appear only to have it revoked because the DMV mistakenly didn't record my payment of a past ticket. How do you get pulled over for a traffic violation when you're car is parked..and you're not even in it?

And...
I've been given a ticket for talking on my cell phone when I was pulling into my own driveway. When I didn't produce my insurance card the officer wouldn't let me take 20 steps into my house to provide it... and when I asked him if the purpose of having insurance was to carry it in the vehicle or actually have insurance for accidents and such...he said..."to have it in your car." huh? Thanks pecker.

I swear they have one of those boards with peoples pictures on it in their "war room" and I'm in it somewhere. they just transfer it to where I am and vow to honor the code because I pissed off an officer at some point in my life...probably the Game Warden. Because I laughed at him when he asked for my paperwork and then said..."You can't pull me over can you? I thought you were supposed to be catching poachers and watching out for lost rabbits or something..."

david said...

Scott, congrats, you have double one upped me. I can't compete with that rap sheet.

When you said 'war room' I immediately thought of John Nash. He is just cracking codes and formulating algorithms to get you man.

david said...

I failed to mention that I was pulled over a few days after this post. Eff em.