SMOOVE.

wanna feel dumb? leave your wallet when you are taking a date to eat. wanna feel even more stupid? leave your wallet again, when you take the same girl to lunch. promise, you'll know what it means to make a zero move.

This song, however, is not a zero. It is contributing. I like to listen to it in the background, while I am working on my craft. But if you ain't feel my boy Cudi, then you adda listen to just youtube search your favorite rapper (I've only seen 50 cent, B.I.G. *His is the best, Tupac, Jay-z, Nas, Kayne) vs. the xx. Telling ya, you'll be hooked.



I am not big into covers, but my older brother, the connoisseur of music, posted this, and I was impressed. It also helps that I do not like the original.

Nasty Encounter

The story I am about to share actually happened. I hope I can convey it in such a way that you feel that you were there and were apart of it.

Time: 10:47 pm. Location: just out side of the Mariott Library, on the University of Utah campus.

I walk outside. It is bitter cold. I hear an odd angry type of 'ughhh' sound, but it had a woman's tone to it. I turn the corner and a couple comes into my sight. The girl is talking very fast. She keeps making the angry yelp sound. He says nothing, he just keeps looking down. They are far enough away that I don't really hear what is going on, and I try to keep my distance, cause she seems like she is ready to snap. Her arms are flailing all over the place. She finally yells, "Fine. I'll walk."  And she does. She storms off. The man snaps his head up and watches after her, like he was awakened from a dream by a bucket of ice water. She is cruising, and the dude just keeps looking at her. Doesn't call out to her or run after her. Just stares. He slowly takes out his phone as she is about 40 yards away and I makes a phone call.

By this time she is almost out of sight. He is still staring, with the phone up to his face. By this time, I have completely stopped and am staring. She turns back to look at him. I can't see her face, but her whole body has that 'REALLY? ARE YOU JOKING?' look to it. It's that angry little girl look.
She takes out her phone, with the screen shinning brightly - indicating an incoming call, answers it, and yells.

She said things that would not be deemed lady like. She hung the phone up, turned around, and went back to her walking gig. He watched until she was out of sight, shrugged his shoulders, and went back into the library. By this time, I was like AWESOME!

when you leave me alone....

I try to pretend that I am a loner, like it somehow makes me stronger, but really, being a loner sucks. I tell myself and others that I am "independent," and that I don't "need" friends around me all the time. I couldn't be more wrong. Humans need other humans in their human lives. That's just science. Who wants to eat a banana by themselves? No heterosexual.

Look at Alan. As soon as he got Doug, Phil, and Stu, he knew he had a wolf pack.  Lemme quote Alan:

I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack- it grew by one, so where there two- there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the wolf pack and Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought 'Wait a second, could it be?' And now I know for sure- I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. The four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! Takes out a knife and cuts his hand. Blood Brothers!

I just hope I do not become like Alan, but I fear for myself when I am alone. Cause I do strange things.

I shave my legs. Seriously. Depressing. The back of the knee is so hard to get too. Again, depressing.
I make up my own rap songs. I have NEVER been good at it.
I wander the house looking.... There is absolutely no loose change in our house or leper-cons.
I facebook stalk. How sad.
I just look at my wall. No doubt man, like my own prison, straight thug.
I write in my journal. More prison stuff, you wouldn't get it. 
I go to movies. Not too bad actually.
I play on a seesaw. 
Work on my craft.

Man, Eff the police.

I mean it. Eff da police. All of them are power hungry, rude, non contributing zeros. They are people who just gave up on their dreams. Kids do not want to grow up and be a traffic cop. Unless they get off on being an ass. Should have just been a customer service rep for Verizon. Interesting fact, Cops always have terrible credit. Idiots, they'll never qualify for a mortgage. Another fact, they always have small packages. Cops are just a bunch of mouth breathers. It's not like I can just come into their normal life and be like, "Hey man, what you are doing, with that mustache and wife beater, it's against the rules. HEY! HEY! Don't talk, I am in control. Don't make me flex my nuts." Final fact, they have such large heads and smell of BRUTE.

That was a little harsh. They do a lot for us; they keep the peace, pretend to care, keep people from speeding. I know. I just don't get the hostility to people who are not rude to them. I.E. me. I get pulled over so much that I think I deserve a "frequent stopped card". It's sabotage man. I am a vet. I've been through their bogus routine so much, that I have my registration, licence, and proof of insurance as I pull over to the side of the road.

I love their line of questioning when they come up to the window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Wait, is that rhetorical. Like, you actually want a response. Ummm, yes. Yes I do. Then, after I have stated that I do in fact know that I was breaking the law, they repeat back to me what I did. Thanks officer, but I am not the one that is going to have to fill out paper work. 

"Get your licence, insurance, and registration." Please maybe? Just once, in your life, be polite. Oh, that's too hard. You should have been a lunch lady then. And why the heck are you standing so far back from the window. You can clearly see I have no weapon in or around my lap.

Then they do that whole "let's wait in the car" line of B.S. 

Really dude/butch? I know that it takes you .5 seconds to find out that I have nothing on my record. Is this a 'timeout' or something? Okay, fine, I'll put my nose into the steering wheel and think about what I have done. Just give me a spanking next time. Timeouts are for girls. 

They come back to the car and pretend to be all cool cause they "reduced" the ticket. And here I am, thanking THEM! I just have to bend over and take it cause I don't want to have to literally bend over in county. I say "Officer" and "Oh. Thanks," just to cover my bases. I wish I could be forthcoming and say, "You just ruined my day. I hope one of your kids is allergic to peanuts and falls into a bathtub full of peanuts. Or better yet, I hope someone tapes your eye lids shut with permanent tape," (but seriously, how frustrating. AHH I can't get this tape off! And its @#!$&*# tape!). 

She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

Test of Sanity.

Everyone is a little crazy. We all have that breaking point; the one where you have drool coming out of your mouth, eyebrows crushing down on your eyes, and you are making some sounds that belong only in a roller derby game. I am coming close to that point. His name is Josh.

I've had my fair share of people that did not bode well with me. Snahole Bakta. Brandon Hoca-lugie. Sterling O-town. They all had this arrogance about them. This snobby intelligence that just irked me. Something like Mark Kuckerberg. I am sure they are all cool guys now... I would probably like them. Josh, I will never like. He has to be the most annoying human in existence. Forget Flo, the caveman for Gieco, or Lou Holtz. I wish I could repeat was he says, or clearly explain his personality, but I want you to be Josh-FREE.

The first day of my information system class I knew I would just hate this dude. The first question my teacher throws out there, he snags it, with the loudest voice EVER. I didn't want to seem him, then I could just aim my dark hate at some unknown person, without glaring or knowing what their face looked like before I kicked it in. The following class he answered every question, even the rhetorical ones. A mob was beginning to form around me. There was talk of assassination. The UFC fighter next to me was planning a parking lot nabbing. Even the mom who sits in front of me, Terry (she always wears overalls, totally a mom look. So darling.), was shooting the eye. I started making a shank out of USB drive.

This was all talk of course, jokes, they make us feel better. However, last time, a girl three row behind me had enough. After he blurted out an annoying comment, she ejected such a venomous tone that my ears hurt, "Shut up." She didn't say it loud, but he heard it. We all heard it. Josh's face went red.  I felt the rising. Oh no. It was happening. I almost jumped outta my chair. I wanted to point at him and say, "BOOM!"

He may make it through the semester. I may become Bob Knight.

Whats a tool?

My dearest mother asked my friends and I this question the other day. We were talking about someone being a tool. I don't remember who, or else I would tell you, and then you would agree that they are in fact "a tool".

I didn't know how to describe it. I really wanted to say "douche bag", but that would have offended her virtuous ears.... how do you explain it? Its like salt. Sure I can say a jerk, but that just doesn't completely fit the description. I should have told her this story or drove by King Henry in Provo, and point to a shirtless man playing volleyball with other men (the pool area is near by, but has a gate around it... there is no beach)

In my professional communication class we had to tell our most embarrassing/ scariest/ traumatic story. This kid got up and talked about how he ran over a person. He explained that it wasn't really his fault because he wasn't paying attention, the person he hit was an illegal immigrant working in a man hole, his supervisor wasn't around, the car in front of him quickly swerved, he never saw the guy.... then he said the worst part about the experience is that he was charged with reckless driving and was fined $1,500 and had to go to traffic school.

He hit another human being with his car....and didn't feel sorry for it at all. Here is a speech he gave... its. simply. amazing.

Tool. Douche Bag. Mouth Breather. North end of a jackass going South. A zero.

Camper vs. Hunter

If gaming has a greater priority than life, then by automatic default, you are a gamer. Just ask the dead Korean guy...But I've been playing a lot of call of duty. It's amazing.

Camper: sits and waits. He let's the fight come to him, by hiding in dark corners, until someone comes into his sights.

Hunter: he takes the fight to all around him.

Scavenger: picks off the weakened from battle.

I am the unwilling camper, that hunts on occasion. No one wants to camp, if they understand what being a man is all about... Camping is like "Groundhogs day," with Bill Murray, but instead you're stuck in the seventh grade. It's easy, you are just slaying it on the basketball court, the hunnies are lovin you, but in the end, your balls still haven't dropped.

It isn't so much how great your kill to death ratio is, at least not in the beginning. Anyone can crouch down, wait for someone to walk right into their sight, and pull the trigger. Zzzzzz. Boring. This ain't fishing, and it's definitely not real life. For once, it's okay to die, you actually get an infinite amount of lives. But Gaming is really a microcosm of mans development...
Baby teeth fall out-- Double kills are common.
Hair grows in-- Look sensitivity is at 11.
Odor secreats-- Dogs are unleashed.
The stream slows-- the sniper class is mastered.

Do you follow? Maybe not. If you get one thing out of this, it's that being a camper for your c.o.d. Career is a zero.