the day I wore my fedora to school.

The fedora hat has been through quiet the journey. After a quick reading of Wikipedia, I have become an expert on the subject (and as someone who tried to add false information, and was banned for it, I know how serious the self governance is of Wiki's contributors).  I will just give you the highlights. It was named after a woman named Fedora, who wore a hat, in a play of some kind of significance, that looks like a fedora as we know it. Originally, the fedora was a woman's fashion. Men soon started wearing the hat because of its style and utility. It was associated with gangsters in the 20's to 50's. Then, it died... until Indiana Jones, Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry, Alabama coach Paul "Bear" Bryant and more recently Michael Jackson.... MORE MORE recently, Ben Roethlisberger, who pulled it off amazingly. I wish I would have known the history of the fedora before I wore my straw fedora to school.

In my mind, the fedora has taken a different position than what it's illustrious history shows. My only interaction, with people who wear fedoras as part of their current and ongoing wardrobe, have been odd - they are weirdos.

I don't know why I put it the fedora on. I just wanted to try it out, something different. Maybe next week I will try some raw fish eggs. . . . . . . . . . no. . . . no, i won't. I must've been doing for the attention.

Here I was driving to school, with a straw fedora on my head, wondering 'why'? I got similar looks from my peers. I felt like I had the mark of death on me, by the way people were looking at me. I met with an academic advisor in the morning. She had a hard time looking me in the eyes. I shrugged it off as a draw - she just doesn't have confidence. She must be intimidated because I am putting so much confidence out. 

Next came the grounds crew. I was walking straight, but for some reason the lady with the miniature saw played chicken with me. I chose left, she went right - as in my left. We were 20 feet apart and she was starting chicken with me. Was she doing zig-zags to avoid being sniped? - she must've been trying to read a sign behind me. 

....... I realized that this post stunk, so I quit writing it, but decided to post it anyway......

She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

I look so bitchin.

Joel Plaskett said it best in his song, Fashionable People, "Fashionable people doing questionable things." Couldn't have said it better myself. That is why I quoted him, because that lyric really sends the message home. Fashionable people doing questionable things....

Originally, I had this idea to post a load of pictures of local people who are really looking fashionable. Then I realized how invasive this would be on people's privacy, how much effort it would really take; all in all, this idea didn't pass the cost benefit ratio. You have a great imagination though.

To start the mockery juices going, I wanna call out a few celebs that are just setting a great trend for our society.

Lady Gaga. I think the acronym W.T.F. was invented after seeing her. Do NOT google image her. If you do, make sure you are on safe search, moderate showed more than I needed to see.... I look at this picture and everything I need to know about her is right here. Forget looking up her life on Wikipedia, just breath this photo in.You can judge a book by its cover.

Adam Lambert. Look, I am not attacking his homosexuality, but I thought gays were supposed to be fashionable. Right? Queer eye for the straight guy. I think Adam missed the boat. Eye liner works, I mean Steven Tyler uses liner and eye lash extensions... wait, the look doesn't work. Adam looks like he just got out of a straight edge/goth meeting at the back of Kohls. NOTE: this was the only picture I could find of him not licking another dudes tongue.

I think we are now on the same page. Here are some things that local people do, that make NO sense.

-The reverse shirt tuck. You know, that undershirt that girls use, that stretches over their pants, like halfway down their hump. I mean, I know you gotta cover up your trunk with all your junk, but where did this come from? Sure, we don't wanna see your Fergie thong, but it looks weird. Tuck your shirt into your pants. I know the lace at the bottom of the shirt looks cool in the mirror, but your butt doesn't need a curtain hanging over it. I am sure girls can come back with the whole sag thing, and I agree with them, but just because most men sag and fail at fashion, doesn't give girls a free ride. In fact it means the opposite.

- Pj's. I cannot express how unsavory this trend is. If I had a license to bury people alive, I would. Grrr.

- An undershirt under the v-neck shirt. Take out the r of shirt and that is what these payasos look like. Show that neck hair off. Girls love it... maybe not the hair, but they will probably like seeing the hair over your shirt under your v-neck shirt. Your v-neck ain't a sweater and this ain't church son. Don't fill in the gap of the v with your shirt. You wouldn't color in the "V" on a paper. You only fill in the e's, o's, p's, a's, etc.

- The matching principle. Some people can over the top (you know that one dude who is wearing all red all the time), but overall, I think it is important to choose clothes that are similar is color and size. For instance, blue plaid shorts doesn't look good with an orange shirt. Then you have the tight shirt and baggy pants, or vica versa.

- Flip flops + Sock = DUMB.

I'm getting bored with this post..... you get it right?

The great hair debate

No more sitting on the edge of your seat. Relax, be stress free now. I know everyone has been awaiting this post. I apologize that I have taken this long to finally address one of the most pressing issues that humans have ever encountered-- hairy men. The debate has been raised like a waving flag.

To introduce this pragmatic issue, we must establish what is beauty. This in itself is a tough definition or qualification to outline, because beauty is relative. Relative to time, culture, location, government powers, and religion. I am sure you can think of many examples of how each of these external factors influence beauty.
Fast forward to present day. Pop culture, that is forced fed to us through the media, tells us what is pretty, acceptable, and the norm. Unfortunately we have evolved to this point in our history, where those with the money chose what is the norm. TV, the internet, music, movies, etc. all of the facets of media point us in a direction of their choosing. Men are to be tanned (spray on or not), fit (aka rippling six pack), axed hair, and stylist clothes. Women are to be thin, more curvy than a Virgina road, manicured and pedicured, and fashionable (the more skin we can see the better).

Now I could go on forever and ever about the evils about the media, how we should really view our self, and what true beauty is... but today, I am going to tackle just hair, hair on men. Who decided that hair is gross? Hair is fine if its in the "right places"... which are? Arms? Legs? NOT the back. OH help us all if its on the back. No one wants to marry a man who has a cape! But seriously, what is the big deal? We are descendants from apes.

I've shaven my legs, arms, and chest... more than once. And while the new hair is growing back, all prickly, I ask myself, "David, are you going to shave again. Just restart the whole eradication process? What is the point? Do women really care? Does it directly contribute to my game? Should I really be concerned with what others think? You will miss how nice the sheets feel on your legs." I slap myself at that point. No one should interrogate themselves.

Answers: See picture above. Some women would prefer Mr. Sellek. A more rugged, fierce and intimidating man. A man that looks like he could work at a tire shop or run a bar. Then you have Mr. Pitt. Some like that Calvin Klein look. Hairless like a new born babe. A man that could pass for a young successful business man. The solution comes down to what type of impression that wants to be made. I find that I want to be something in between. Nothing says "I'm a man" more than a full chest of hair, or a fat Cuban cigar. Then again, nothing says "I'm classy" more than a hairless chest... or a nice Rolex.

The debate continues. I feel that the government should intervene and make the decision for us. Too many men are polluting our beaches and pools with their capes. Too many are silky smooth that they often slide out of their beds. Put it to our great government. Take the choice out of the media's hands. Mr. President, this is your time to shine. Lead us in the true way of manhood.