She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

I rest my case for Cedes.

In a previous post, I talked about the many reasons why I love Cedar City, and at the very bottom I had a disclaimer; it said that I wanted to move to Provo. Now, looking back in retrospect, it couldn't more false. I regret saying that.Cedes has been really good to me.

This is my final will and testament regarding Cedar City; a list of the best of Cedar.

- I will forever miss the SUU men's basketball games. Of course we stink. I doubt SUU will ever be really competitive, but sports is 90% mental the other half is physical. To have an entire arena (never mind that we only have a full house when the old folk dance team comes to town) hear everything you say to players is spectacular. To get inside players head through wit and words, not profane or rude behavior, is truly an art and pleasure.

- The wheat bread and honey butter found here on campus. It is more addicting that FNL.

- Before they shut down the underground passages, the tunnels were off the hook. NEED TO FIND A WAY BACK IN!

- Using the double screens in the ELC, Library, or computer labs. So epic.... As well as the study room.

- PE building showers, minus all of the naked old men, they are really nice. Also, basketball.

- Cedar feels like a blown up playground. You can climb on everything, from buildings in downtown, to billboards, you'll find yourself on all sorts of high places.

- Long-boarding  down Main St. Thank you Steve-o, Tim, and Mr. West for opening my eyes.

- My brothers. Ah, man. I am choking up now... Too many good men in Cedar to even start listing them off. How I will miss them all.

- Bulloch Drugs. They have THE best fountain soda.

- Brad's Bronco Burger, until I saw the Deluxe.

- Power 91. Trust me.

- I always think of Arcade Fire's song, Wake Up, when I think of Cedar.

As I left in the afternoon the other day, I realized how beautiful the red rock is. I realized that Cedar City has been good to me. I will miss it.

Supress the Sleepness.

I recently woke up in the back of car and thought to myself, this isn't happening. I am in some kind of movie. Or a sick dream.

Fallon is about seven and half hours away from Cedar City, depending on who is driving. It is a journey, and when you are in a two door Honda Civic, which is about the size of a large suitcase, the drive is so much  more enjoyable. Every minute counts, because the spacious room of my civic only allows so much sanity. Then you have to consider the price of gas and believe it or not, the route you take makes a considerable difference in both happiness and cash flow. But, we drive.

On the way home of Easter weekend, I decided that Steven should drive. He has made the trip before, plus I thought he and his woman would rather sit shotgun than the backseat, which forces you to gnaw on your knee caps. Mowgli and I fell asleep before we were out of Cedar. I woke up about an hour and half later to the landscape of Caliente, Nevada. This is not our usual route. Gas is more expensive, speed limits are slower, and cops more prevalent. I am a little annoyed. A mistake, but thirty minutes added to the drive seemed like the doctor asking for half gallon of blood. After my irritation ebbs away, we drive. The drive goes on without incident.

We spend two days in the Silver state, until it is time for us to come home on Easter morn. That is when things got dicey.

We reach Ely Nevada, a wretched town, like so many others that litter the barren desert. Mowgli and I are tired once again. We figure Esta-Bon can drive. -- The fastest way to Cedar from Ely is to take route 93. Steven knows this. If he does not, then I do not know how he made it home for holidays. We drive.

I wake up about an hour and half outside of Ely (seems like that is my nap time limit), to a landscape I have seen only once in my life, but like my ancestors, the Algonquin Indians, I remember mother earth and her curves. I remember my home land and the way to and from. I never forget. I know that we are heading east (if you blind fold me, beat me over the head, and take me down into a basement, I promise I can tell you where east is). We are on the road that leads to Delta, Utah. Over a hundred miles past our turn off. I know this because our odometer says so. I think, this isn't happening. I am in some kind of movie. Or a sick dream..... We drive.

I ask Steven where we are at. He has no idea. Complete bliss. I ask him if he turned onto route 93. He says there was no turn off (there is, unless mother earth swallowed it). They never saw a sign (there is, I threw a full soda can at it once). There was too much rain they said (wiper blades). Missing the turn off didn't seem to really bother either of them. NBD.

At that very moment, my insides ignite. I am on fire. My brain is burning hot. My fists are clenched. I know that I am mad because the car is suddenly shrinking and it feels like my eyes are going to fall out of their sockets. I need to get out of the car before it catches fire.

We are past the point of no return, too far away to turn back. We must continue on to Delta and then to Cedar, adding two more hours to our expedition. No apology is given. Mowgli and I will drive.

I get into the front seat, and it is in that moment that I transform into a compete jackass. I play the card of passive aggressive. I felt that would be the most stinging. Finally, outside of Hinckley, it happens, the blow up. --He yells. --I relish in it. I keep my voice calm, at an aggravating even keel. Silence fills the car as the only female raises her cry, turning back the wolves who were about to feast on each others flesh. I swear under my breath that this drive will never end. We drive.

Nine and a half hours later we arrive in Cedar. The drive comes to a stop. I reminisce in the finals minutes, after I drop off Steven, but before I go back to my lonely apartment with Lynx. This will be a great memory, someday. I will laugh. We will drive again together.

I look so bitchin.

Joel Plaskett said it best in his song, Fashionable People, "Fashionable people doing questionable things." Couldn't have said it better myself. That is why I quoted him, because that lyric really sends the message home. Fashionable people doing questionable things....

Originally, I had this idea to post a load of pictures of local people who are really looking fashionable. Then I realized how invasive this would be on people's privacy, how much effort it would really take; all in all, this idea didn't pass the cost benefit ratio. You have a great imagination though.

To start the mockery juices going, I wanna call out a few celebs that are just setting a great trend for our society.

Lady Gaga. I think the acronym W.T.F. was invented after seeing her. Do NOT google image her. If you do, make sure you are on safe search, moderate showed more than I needed to see.... I look at this picture and everything I need to know about her is right here. Forget looking up her life on Wikipedia, just breath this photo in.You can judge a book by its cover.

Adam Lambert. Look, I am not attacking his homosexuality, but I thought gays were supposed to be fashionable. Right? Queer eye for the straight guy. I think Adam missed the boat. Eye liner works, I mean Steven Tyler uses liner and eye lash extensions... wait, the look doesn't work. Adam looks like he just got out of a straight edge/goth meeting at the back of Kohls. NOTE: this was the only picture I could find of him not licking another dudes tongue.

I think we are now on the same page. Here are some things that local people do, that make NO sense.

-The reverse shirt tuck. You know, that undershirt that girls use, that stretches over their pants, like halfway down their hump. I mean, I know you gotta cover up your trunk with all your junk, but where did this come from? Sure, we don't wanna see your Fergie thong, but it looks weird. Tuck your shirt into your pants. I know the lace at the bottom of the shirt looks cool in the mirror, but your butt doesn't need a curtain hanging over it. I am sure girls can come back with the whole sag thing, and I agree with them, but just because most men sag and fail at fashion, doesn't give girls a free ride. In fact it means the opposite.

- Pj's. I cannot express how unsavory this trend is. If I had a license to bury people alive, I would. Grrr.

- An undershirt under the v-neck shirt. Take out the r of shirt and that is what these payasos look like. Show that neck hair off. Girls love it... maybe not the hair, but they will probably like seeing the hair over your shirt under your v-neck shirt. Your v-neck ain't a sweater and this ain't church son. Don't fill in the gap of the v with your shirt. You wouldn't color in the "V" on a paper. You only fill in the e's, o's, p's, a's, etc.

- The matching principle. Some people can over the top (you know that one dude who is wearing all red all the time), but overall, I think it is important to choose clothes that are similar is color and size. For instance, blue plaid shorts doesn't look good with an orange shirt. Then you have the tight shirt and baggy pants, or vica versa.

- Flip flops + Sock = DUMB.

I'm getting bored with this post..... you get it right?

My case for Cedar City

A lot of my friends are ready to get out of Cedar. They are tired of the scene. They were either raised in Cedar or grew up near by. They believe that moving to a place like Provo will solve all of their problems. I guess I may have a skewed view, being from a different state, but I think I have some good points to consider.

1. They hate guys who flex their nuts. Cause real gangstas don't flex nuts, cause real gangstas know they got em. Provo is filled to capacity with a bunch of lifted truck, ambercrombie, tough acting clowns. Here in cedar we worry about a few. Now multiple that by 1000. That is how many there are in provo, too many to count. And that effects every aspect of my boys lives.
a) Girls. For some unknown and idiotic reason, girls tend to lean towards these greasy pigs with deniro running out of their ears. Maybe its their money, good looks, or pseudo charm. I don't know. I am no Mel Gibson, but my intuition tells me that a woman would love a man for the inside. Then again, I have been wrong more than once.
b) Intramural sports. No one likes losing, and my friends HATE losing to douche bags. Welcome to P-Town. And they may say, "Oh, we won't lose." They will. Ex. Intramural basketball, slow pitch softball, flag football.

2. Say goodbye to this tight knit group. It will disband. The Herd will be no more. Men will move on. Provo is big. Gas is pricey and women are plenty. No more liming with the boys. The demise of the herd is inevitable, but it will decay b/c of lame reasons that are found in provo. No more ping-pong, recording records in Chads basement, making fun of me, running over trash cans, and sitting around wondering what we are going to do. All of the sudden they will be able to make decisions about what they want to do! They won't need a group. They will get g/f... which is cool. I guess. I don't know, i've never had one.

3. Church. Crying and lying, open mike night, the shout out, truth or dare, or as some people call it: testimony meeting, will be more of a competition and disgrace there. The meat market it fueled by liars and thieves. No one wants to support that kind of race. My brothers hate that type of situation, but by going to provo, they will expose themselves to it more often than just church. These fools litter dance parties, sitting in the hall explaining why they are so spiritual, rather than dancing. They will be in the burger joints, conducting mini district meetings with their return missionary friends. They will be on the linger longer commitee kicking people out of the chapel.

4. Cedar forces men to be creative. To think outside of the box. It is the last frontier, daring its inhabitants to explore, to reach beyond themselves and find who they really are. The red rock, high mountains, and wind blown trees are a testimate of this type of transformation that occurs. Character and ruggedness are the attributes that this land produces. Would my friends rather be a Calvin Kline model, or a man, like Robert Redford. Metro sexual or Rugged. Dana Carvey or Jack Black. Alex Rodriguez or Johnny Damon. Kyle Korver or Raja Rohndo. Lady Gaga or Pink. Provo or Cedar. Move to provo. Hang up the potato gun, any kind of gun, the creative hat, the gloves, and trade it in for "i am going to be just like the rest of them" hat. Damn that.

5. Be someone or be apart of the crowd.




Disclaimer: I want to move to provo.