Nasty Encounter

The story I am about to share actually happened. I hope I can convey it in such a way that you feel that you were there and were apart of it.

Time: 10:47 pm. Location: just out side of the Mariott Library, on the University of Utah campus.

I walk outside. It is bitter cold. I hear an odd angry type of 'ughhh' sound, but it had a woman's tone to it. I turn the corner and a couple comes into my sight. The girl is talking very fast. She keeps making the angry yelp sound. He says nothing, he just keeps looking down. They are far enough away that I don't really hear what is going on, and I try to keep my distance, cause she seems like she is ready to snap. Her arms are flailing all over the place. She finally yells, "Fine. I'll walk."  And she does. She storms off. The man snaps his head up and watches after her, like he was awakened from a dream by a bucket of ice water. She is cruising, and the dude just keeps looking at her. Doesn't call out to her or run after her. Just stares. He slowly takes out his phone as she is about 40 yards away and I makes a phone call.

By this time she is almost out of sight. He is still staring, with the phone up to his face. By this time, I have completely stopped and am staring. She turns back to look at him. I can't see her face, but her whole body has that 'REALLY? ARE YOU JOKING?' look to it. It's that angry little girl look.
She takes out her phone, with the screen shinning brightly - indicating an incoming call, answers it, and yells.

She said things that would not be deemed lady like. She hung the phone up, turned around, and went back to her walking gig. He watched until she was out of sight, shrugged his shoulders, and went back into the library. By this time, I was like AWESOME!

She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

Oops... I did it again.

During my freshman year of college, I dated this girl name Melissa. We had a lot of fun together. I really liked her. She was a really cool girl, but I had a problem with her. I just could not keep her name straight...

Right before Melissa I dated Michelle. We didn't date that long, at least it didn't feel like it, but she made a lasting impression on the side of my brain called Randy. Randy would prod me late at night to call Melissa Michelle. Call it a Freudian slip, call it an accident, it was getting out of control. I finally had to pause every time before I said Melissa's name, look at her, and ask myself, "What is her name?" I guess the "Mu" sound at the beginning of the names was too much for me too handle.

I thought I was over this little problem... until I started dating Brittany. One night we were having a serious talk. The kind of talk where if you say something dumb, the walls of Jericho are going to come tumbling down. During the conversation I was getting all close, trying to be sweet, then it happened. Randy makes me spit out an awkward, "Brryyynnnn." I trailed off on the end after I started to hit the "y". I was going for a "Britt" but I made the awful "y" sound.

It was bad. I felt so bad. It couldn't have come at a more inappropriate time. I almost wish she would've punched me in the face, that would have made me feel better. I will never live it down...

Supress the Sleepness.

I recently woke up in the back of car and thought to myself, this isn't happening. I am in some kind of movie. Or a sick dream.

Fallon is about seven and half hours away from Cedar City, depending on who is driving. It is a journey, and when you are in a two door Honda Civic, which is about the size of a large suitcase, the drive is so much  more enjoyable. Every minute counts, because the spacious room of my civic only allows so much sanity. Then you have to consider the price of gas and believe it or not, the route you take makes a considerable difference in both happiness and cash flow. But, we drive.

On the way home of Easter weekend, I decided that Steven should drive. He has made the trip before, plus I thought he and his woman would rather sit shotgun than the backseat, which forces you to gnaw on your knee caps. Mowgli and I fell asleep before we were out of Cedar. I woke up about an hour and half later to the landscape of Caliente, Nevada. This is not our usual route. Gas is more expensive, speed limits are slower, and cops more prevalent. I am a little annoyed. A mistake, but thirty minutes added to the drive seemed like the doctor asking for half gallon of blood. After my irritation ebbs away, we drive. The drive goes on without incident.

We spend two days in the Silver state, until it is time for us to come home on Easter morn. That is when things got dicey.

We reach Ely Nevada, a wretched town, like so many others that litter the barren desert. Mowgli and I are tired once again. We figure Esta-Bon can drive. -- The fastest way to Cedar from Ely is to take route 93. Steven knows this. If he does not, then I do not know how he made it home for holidays. We drive.

I wake up about an hour and half outside of Ely (seems like that is my nap time limit), to a landscape I have seen only once in my life, but like my ancestors, the Algonquin Indians, I remember mother earth and her curves. I remember my home land and the way to and from. I never forget. I know that we are heading east (if you blind fold me, beat me over the head, and take me down into a basement, I promise I can tell you where east is). We are on the road that leads to Delta, Utah. Over a hundred miles past our turn off. I know this because our odometer says so. I think, this isn't happening. I am in some kind of movie. Or a sick dream..... We drive.

I ask Steven where we are at. He has no idea. Complete bliss. I ask him if he turned onto route 93. He says there was no turn off (there is, unless mother earth swallowed it). They never saw a sign (there is, I threw a full soda can at it once). There was too much rain they said (wiper blades). Missing the turn off didn't seem to really bother either of them. NBD.

At that very moment, my insides ignite. I am on fire. My brain is burning hot. My fists are clenched. I know that I am mad because the car is suddenly shrinking and it feels like my eyes are going to fall out of their sockets. I need to get out of the car before it catches fire.

We are past the point of no return, too far away to turn back. We must continue on to Delta and then to Cedar, adding two more hours to our expedition. No apology is given. Mowgli and I will drive.

I get into the front seat, and it is in that moment that I transform into a compete jackass. I play the card of passive aggressive. I felt that would be the most stinging. Finally, outside of Hinckley, it happens, the blow up. --He yells. --I relish in it. I keep my voice calm, at an aggravating even keel. Silence fills the car as the only female raises her cry, turning back the wolves who were about to feast on each others flesh. I swear under my breath that this drive will never end. We drive.

Nine and a half hours later we arrive in Cedar. The drive comes to a stop. I reminisce in the finals minutes, after I drop off Steven, but before I go back to my lonely apartment with Lynx. This will be a great memory, someday. I will laugh. We will drive again together.

The Moments

Everyday we are placed in an array of situations. As humans we are all about moments. We look forward to certain moments in our life that we know will raise the hair on our skin. We also know there will be moments that make our stomach feel like it has a crazed monkey inside of it. We pay money for moments of exhilaration. We pray for moments of happiness. And we suffer the pains of hard moments. In the grand of scheme of things, events in our lives are just moments. Now, before you think I am getting all philosophical and such, hold on, I am getting to the point. I want to talk about some of the awkward times.

THE BATHROOM
Whether public or private, this place can be extremely uncomfortable. Cleanliness has a lot to do with it. I wonder if those thin sheets of paper that you place over the throne really does anything... or if the soap is really up to par. Public restrooms have to be the worst. I do not understand urinal/toilet talk. Some stranger thinks I want to talk? I don't know you, and if you don't mind, I wanna just take care of business. I am not camping up in here. We aren't at an art exhibit. In and out, that is what I am about.
Then you have those lines for stalls. Eww. I would rather not know who used the stall before me. Call me crazy, but I do not want to know who decimated the bowl prior to my visit. I like to pretend that the toilets first use was me. It makes me feel better about my situation.

LINES
People often stand too close to you. I love standing in line with girls when people get too close. For some reason they clutch their purse like it has some actual value. Everyone knows it is a knock of Prada bag, and no one wants your used chapstick. But there are some times when it feels like the guy behind you is about to go through your pockets. He is almost breathing down your neck, in fact you can hear and feel his breathing pattern, which is very annoying.
The worst lines is when people are waiting upon you. You can feel their eyes burning into the back of your skull. Sometimes they are staring so hard that your hair actually starts to smoke. The funny thing is that they are going to take just as long as you. Impatient and hypocritical jerks... just look at traffic. The ultimate line game.


YOU'RE IN MY SPACE
Awful feeling. Shoulder peepers are a huge pet peeve of mine. Get off my back. Last time I checked I didn't post a wanted ad on craigslist for a parrot. I hate that feeling on the back of the neck, the one where it makes you bend your neck in an unnatural way. Forcing the back of your head down to your vertebrae.
Part of this is invading someone else space. The forced stare. Have you ever been in a class, or a meeting, some kind of gathering, and you are forced to stare at one person. For some reason you cannot take your eyes off them. You look away, but somehow, like a gravity pull, your eyes are back on them. The thing is they aren't that striking, not in a beautiful way, but in an x-files way. Its as if your eyes can't get enough. Disturbing. You hope they don't notice, but they do, and the game gets out of control.

SMELLY
Adding to the offense is bad breath. Need I say more? Good golly miss molly, ever heard of hygiene? Just knowing any part of me smells like a rotting corpse makes me shiver. If I can smell myself, I am pretty sure everyone else can. I try my best to hide the smell by creating space. People try to engage me in a conversation, I back away. Sometimes I cover myself in a blanket, enveloping the smell in a tightly wound taco. Then I get swass and swalls. That in itself can make anyone go nuts. Sweating sucks. Pit sweat too. Anytime you suffer from the perspiration, you think of that axe commercial, and wonder if that is about to go down.

There are many more examples. Go ahead and submit them. If you dare. Or add upon this incomplete and random list.