She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

Yogging

I haven't ran in a long time, I mean, I haven't ran more than a mile in a long time. There was this point in my life when I went to the gym everyday because I was "preparing" for "marriage", which obviously didn't work out. So, I gave it up. Running. The gym. Trying to look really good. That whole none sense. Now, I let the wolverine hair bloom on my upper arms. Very soon it will become a cape. I will transform from man to mutant to superhero. Pretty sweet...It is a liberating feeling though, running. Its like that feeling when you dump a girl, or when you buy some sweet new sneakers, or when you punch a person in the face. The problem with all of those feelings is that you immediately regret them after you have made the choice. You end up missing the girl. You realize that high tops are extremely annoying. And when you hit someone hard, it hurts your hand. What I am trying to say, in a weird way, is that some things need to stay in place. Stay with me...

The hardest part about running is the beginning. It doesn't matter how much I've stretched, or hydrated myself, I almost die one minute into it. I feel like my sides are going to rip open. My lungs feel like gerbils are in them, scratching their way out. My legs become like bags of sand. Painful, those first few steps, but soon happy will you be (Yoda said that). I just keep telling myself, "you'll catch your wind." Then a bunch of saliva gremlins decide to free themselves from the catacombs of my throat. I hate it. I would rather audition to be on a children show. In the end though, I feel like a winner. I feel like NIKE should be filming me right then because I am dripping with sweat. It is that real and intense. Puddles people. YOU MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!! I just wonder how Adam felt when he ran first. UTTERLY CONFUSED. I still am.

My case for Cedar City

A lot of my friends are ready to get out of Cedar. They are tired of the scene. They were either raised in Cedar or grew up near by. They believe that moving to a place like Provo will solve all of their problems. I guess I may have a skewed view, being from a different state, but I think I have some good points to consider.

1. They hate guys who flex their nuts. Cause real gangstas don't flex nuts, cause real gangstas know they got em. Provo is filled to capacity with a bunch of lifted truck, ambercrombie, tough acting clowns. Here in cedar we worry about a few. Now multiple that by 1000. That is how many there are in provo, too many to count. And that effects every aspect of my boys lives.
a) Girls. For some unknown and idiotic reason, girls tend to lean towards these greasy pigs with deniro running out of their ears. Maybe its their money, good looks, or pseudo charm. I don't know. I am no Mel Gibson, but my intuition tells me that a woman would love a man for the inside. Then again, I have been wrong more than once.
b) Intramural sports. No one likes losing, and my friends HATE losing to douche bags. Welcome to P-Town. And they may say, "Oh, we won't lose." They will. Ex. Intramural basketball, slow pitch softball, flag football.

2. Say goodbye to this tight knit group. It will disband. The Herd will be no more. Men will move on. Provo is big. Gas is pricey and women are plenty. No more liming with the boys. The demise of the herd is inevitable, but it will decay b/c of lame reasons that are found in provo. No more ping-pong, recording records in Chads basement, making fun of me, running over trash cans, and sitting around wondering what we are going to do. All of the sudden they will be able to make decisions about what they want to do! They won't need a group. They will get g/f... which is cool. I guess. I don't know, i've never had one.

3. Church. Crying and lying, open mike night, the shout out, truth or dare, or as some people call it: testimony meeting, will be more of a competition and disgrace there. The meat market it fueled by liars and thieves. No one wants to support that kind of race. My brothers hate that type of situation, but by going to provo, they will expose themselves to it more often than just church. These fools litter dance parties, sitting in the hall explaining why they are so spiritual, rather than dancing. They will be in the burger joints, conducting mini district meetings with their return missionary friends. They will be on the linger longer commitee kicking people out of the chapel.

4. Cedar forces men to be creative. To think outside of the box. It is the last frontier, daring its inhabitants to explore, to reach beyond themselves and find who they really are. The red rock, high mountains, and wind blown trees are a testimate of this type of transformation that occurs. Character and ruggedness are the attributes that this land produces. Would my friends rather be a Calvin Kline model, or a man, like Robert Redford. Metro sexual or Rugged. Dana Carvey or Jack Black. Alex Rodriguez or Johnny Damon. Kyle Korver or Raja Rohndo. Lady Gaga or Pink. Provo or Cedar. Move to provo. Hang up the potato gun, any kind of gun, the creative hat, the gloves, and trade it in for "i am going to be just like the rest of them" hat. Damn that.

5. Be someone or be apart of the crowd.




Disclaimer: I want to move to provo.