white with no rythmn

I have never really been to a club or a real dance, until I came to Cedar. Sure we had bi-stake dances and what not, but the only dancing going on there was on the slow dances. Dancing to "fast songs" (as we like to call them in Fallabama) was too intimidating. No one could really do it. Dancing to popular up beat tempo was taboo. Plus I wasn't allowed to go to the school dances, they were considered bad. Only the bad kids went to them. So imagine my surprise when I get to the bustling city of Cedar. People actually danced at church function dances.

I love dancing. Dancing can be extremely liberating... you can just let loose and go nuts... if you have the confidence, and that is what it is all about, confidence. I may not be too great on the dance floor, but as a Hyde, I have got confidence or crazy.There are some down sides to dancing.

Number UNO: Sweat. I sweat easy and a lot. I hate it. It sucks when your dancing with a girl and her hair gets stuck on your face. That is something like testing spaghetti to see if it is ready. You know, throwing the noodle on the wall to see if it sticks. Yeah, her hair is the noodles, my face is the wall. ugh...
I don't just jump into the dancing scene right away, I have to warm up first. I take it easy for the first few songs, so about song number five I am grooving... Grooving = Sweating. All of it. I got the swass, swoosh, swoob, swead, all of it. Dripping like a leaky faucet.
The worst is the smell. People are all sweating; everywhere you find wetness. I feel that humidity should not be created by man, but rather nature. I do not want to be breathing in the vapors of others heat and sweat. I am in a room of condensation. I promise, you will come out smelling like the trap door of odor, just like a casino. A deep cleansing shower is a must!

Number DOSE: Gross People. Aside from the sweat you find some nasties on the dance floor. People who are just creeping, sketchy, psycho, etc. Gross dudes just looking for a feel. The ones who chase down girls and refuse to accept a 'no'. I feel bad for girls. I really do. If people think church is a meat market, then they need to go to a dance.
Girls can be just as bad. Let me give you a recent example. I was grooving and a larger hunny noticed me. She kept telling me to show her what I had. I don't usually talk on the dance floor. Talking seems to be counter intuitive. I am already deaf in my right ear, so talking just seems a more difficult task then tying my shoe. So, I ignore her egging me on. ANYWAYS, she keeps finding me. Then, towards the end, she backs her BOOTY up on me. I am stunned. I mean, I feel like I am glued to the floor. She then turns around and takes my hat and puts it on her head. Wow.... That is all I can say. Wow.

Number TRACE: Aftershock. I come home, my ears are ringing, my clothes are soaked, and I am tired. The night is over. No one wants to chill after getting all nasty at a dance. Dances are really a catch 22. They are way more fun than sitting and doing nothing, but they kill the night.

Institute

Institute is a wonderful program. It is inspired. Classes are interesting.But I have some real issues with it.
    Teachers. I thought we were a lay ministry. Why are they being paid? I really don't have that big of an issue with it, I just don't understand it. I do not like how they call people out. This is not a calling, not a priesthood office, so how can they act like they have those responsibilities only granted to those who are called to a priesthood office?
   Then when people act fake. Anyone. It drives me nuts. When people speak just to impress. When people pray just to be heard of men. Institute is for people to learn more about the gospel, yet people use it as a spring board. Testimonies and comments should be real. I think next time I am going to call people out.... Also, institute is not an AA group. Some problems should be kept in and shared with certain people.
  My biggest problem is cuddly couples. Irritation to the nth degree. STOP IT! Grow up. This aint't a theatre, not your couch at home, this is a public classroom. Act like it. I had one couple sit in front of me last year. They never quit touching each other. I think PDA's are weird, but in a church setting, super awkward. Save it for later.

Death by Texting

Death is the common denominator between humans. It connects us all in a morbid way. We will all die, but we can often choose how we want to die. I hope that you will not take a step towards the tragic death by texting. No one is forcing you to die by texting. You can choose. Resist the urge to kill yourself and others through text.

(The dude sitting next to me in the library keeps peeping over. He thens speaks to me, "Umm, what is death by texting? I don't get it. Texts cannot actually kill you." Oh how nice it must be to ignorant of the truth.) 

Death by texting is a cognitive decision to limit all communication to text. This choice imposes a series of problems for individuals: text cannot convey the real message, emotions, or feeling behind the words. This can create some serious mis-communication. With all of this mis-communication going on, it suddenly turns into a text battle.... and that it just childish. For some reason people feel like they can say whatever they want over text. Suddenly the people who avoid confrontation become a beast, like they have a license to talk some major smack. Everyone knows that is up to Mr. T.

Speaking of people saying whatever they think, late night texting is DANGEROUS. Pure insanity. Stupidity. What are some other words that go along with that? Dumb? That is what it is, just not smart, and it causes some issues. Let me paint you a picture. Late at night. You are feeling a little lonely, probably because you just watched a gooey love movie, followed up by listening to Marvin Gaye, and were thinking of your lost puppy. Out of the blue you think of this person you've been crushing on for awhile. A thought bores itself out of your illogical side of your brain (know as J.S.B) and says, "Text em. Tell em that you are thinking about them." What you don't hear is the evil laugh of the thought as it leaves. The evil thought goes back to his side of the brain, known as Jason, the illogical side, and tells all of his friends about how he just burned you. They all have a good laugh. Jason loves screwing you. If you are a woman, that side of the brain is called Candice.

You text them. You say you miss them, in words that really do not do justice to the type of person you are. Like the words 'booty', 'baby', and 'hunny'. Those words automatically cheapen the text, and make the other person feel like a stack of meat. You can't back out of it either. What are you going to say, "it was my buddy".... That text is permanently in their text history. They can read it over and over.... and they never have to respond. See? There it is, you are not getting their natural response. Problem.

Just as I was writing this post I got a text from this girl I haven't talked to in FOREVER. I invited her to come and see me. She said "I'm good. HAHA". Hold up. "I'm good. HAHA" First of all, she texted me first. I was just trying to be cute. Then she tells me she is good? Oh, nice to meet you good... Wait...no, you are not. You just iced me. You are not good, you are an ice queen. Secondly, did she really laugh that hard. Like HAHA? Maybe a chuckle or hehe, shoot I would take 'lol' rather than a 'HAHA'. Are you the Joker? Oh, I am some kind of comedian now? I wasn't making a joke. Would she do that in person? Or on the phone? Imagine that!

Wanna kick it?
I'm good. HAHA.

OHHHH! No you didn't! I really hope next time you text me I can just go, "I'm good. HAHAHAHA!" Laugh it up like a maniac. How do you like that? Oh, you don't? I'm sorry that I'm good and you're a friggin jokester. I didn't think you were for reals...

Getting back to what I am trying to say, limit your texting. It is cool for short little stuff, but we have forgotten that our vocal cords work. They actually function. 

Bro Code

There needs to be a book written for those who are not born with the inherit qualities of Bro-ship. I don't think the new generation of men take these unwritten rules serious enough. Perhaps, if there was a book written, then people would be for real.... I already see a problem with this; you'll get those dudes who cite the book all the time, creating a monster of an official. So, scratch that idea. But someone needs to teach the rising generation of the value of understanding this system of codes and regulations. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with brosephs to teach and follow the correct way. Hollywood has done its best in trying to teach some basics. Take for instance, Wedding Crashers, Hitch, Talladega Nights, and Step Brothers, to name a few. What needs to be taught you ask? Easy. 

1. Dibs count. Just like calling "shotgun no BS", you can call dibs on girls. And you gotta honor it. I promise you'll be blessed for it. Example: I called dibs on this girl my first semester at SUU, although she was clearly more interested in my friend. My friend honored the bro code. She and I didn't even start anything. I gave him the go ahead nod. He is now married to her. Boom, how do you like your eggs now? Scrambled I hope...

2. Being a Wingman is more important than being the pilot. What is essential to being a Bro? Being a friend, and the most fundamental part of being a friend is looking out for them. AKA Wingman. 

      a. wingmen are there to support. This could mean that they need to assimilate to the situation to benefit their homie. For example. Mowgli came with me to a girl's grandparents house. She was from out of town and was staying there. Her family was very hostile towards me. Rude. I was shocked. I couldn't react. My brother Mowgli took over. He owned them; turning jokes around on them and took some heat for me. It was awesome. I got singed, but not burned, because of my wingman. He played third wheel without any immediate benefit coming back to him. Some times you may just have to be the silent Joe. Just gotta be a good one. 

      b. Scratch their back, they will scratch yours. Just like JT says, what goes around comes around. It is that simple. Karma. 

      c. Do not block a man from the prize. If you are the third wheel and he gives you the look like, "Get lost," get lost. 

Did I fail to mention Goose? Maverik ain't nothing without Goose. Try that on for size. 

3. Forgive and Forget. I did something really crappy to my best friend the other day. He was pissed at me. I felt terrible. It could have ended poorly for the both of us. But we both understood that we have come too close and far together to let something small get in between us. You just gotta shallow your pride and say, "You are right man. I am jerk." But if you are in the right, be patient. Yo, Montell, let em know what's up?!

4. Talk things out. Do not be a little pansy about things that bother you. Dudes now a days try to hint at issues they have by going through a side door. Just meet the conflict head on and talk about it. 

    a. Also, on the other side of the coin, they may want to share goals, feelings, and aspirations. Listen man. That is how we do. 

5. Quality time. I am probably the worst at this. I get a g/f and I forget my roots. If you want your dogs to be around for you when you got hard times, which will come, you have to give them your shoulder too. Plus, guys are a lot more fun then girls... generally.... most of the time... until you find your wife.... "Friends, isn't it about time?!"

6. Leave no man behind. The military has trained its finest to protect the man beside you. This type of strategy binds men together. You can't leave a buddy in a line of fire! Save him. If he has a lame g/f, tell him. 

   a. Not to be sacrilegious, but isn't that the message of the gospel? 

7. Secrets do not make friends, but they sure can ruin a friendship if shared. I think that speaks for itself.  Unless you are Chuck Norris, then secrets are your friends... 

Football

I unfortunately do not have TV. This has prevented me from viewing a complete college/pro football game. It has been a little heart wrenching to not see the incredible feats that are created on the gridiron live. Actually really depressing. Last Saturday, I was able to watch part of a few games and was reminded of how great the game of football is. The bone crushing hits, the incredibly accurate passes, the ridiculous runs, and the jaw dropping catches. These athletes are our gladiators, our super-heroes, and sometimes, our gods.

Saturday and Sunday are sacred days. These are the days when men go to battle, arrayed in different colors, boasting their pride on the chest and back. Eyes are filled with passion and intensity. The atmosphere is palpable. It creates a high that is as addictive as it is contagious. Filled with strategy and intellect, as well as brawn and fierceness, there is no substitute for football.

If you're not a fan, or see where I am coming from, go on YouTube. Watch Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Vince Young, Reggie Bush, Denard Robinson, Terrelle Pryor, Kellen Moore, Michael Vick, Chris Johnson, Brandon Graham, Brian Urlacher, Darrelle Revis, shoot just type in huge hit, amazing punt return, or anything like that. If you still don't get it.... then make like Bobby Fisher and be gone!

One less lonely girl....

I want to make something very clear, Justin Bieber is not gay. I do not understand where all this animosity came from? What did he do wrong; sang some really catchy tunes at the age of fourteen, kicks it with Usher, and is hooking up with ladies almost double his age. Or maybe it is because he was found on youtube? Wait, its because he only has a mom. NO! It is because he is a Canuk! Screw our peaceful neighbors to the north, all of them are jerks. Not one talented person has come from Canada (Celine Dion, Jim Carey, Steve Nash, Kurt Warner, Conan O'Brien, to name a few more worthless citizens of Canada).  I guess I did  fail to mention that he got caught smoking weed.... you're right he is a total fagot. Do you see how foolish it is to hate him? It is really idiotic. People just hate greatness. Kesha on the other hand is utterly obnoxious and has terrible lyrics. She is a legit target for hating, but Justin? Nah. Hey, JB, I got your back. Don't worry about all the haters.

Red Box

Dear Redbox,

First of all, you have a very obvious yet classy name. I could go on for a few lines about how funny your name is. ...and will. Who named you? No one in the marketing department could come up with a better name? I mean you beat out your competitors with names like: Hollywood and Blockbuster. All you did was take the adjective and the noun, and put them together into one word. Did the atrocity happen at three in the morning? The CEO, CFO, Marketing Director, and Steve are there, trying to come up with a name. Suddenly the janitor comes in and says, "What are you doing here still?" BOOM. Steve has a bolt of lighting hit him and shouts out "REDBOX!" No, no, no. It must have been some Canuk child. Imagine that scenario. Captain Obvious, you should be proud of your child, Redbox.

I am writing you this letter to inform you that I hate and love you. Lots of people call that a hate love relationship. Not me. I call it a hate and love relationship. I hate you so much, and then, just like Harry forgives Lloyd, I love you. This relationship needs to come to some kind of resolution. I don't know if I can take it anymore. You are the necessary evil that I must put up with. It is you who provides a simple solution to a boring night. However, this resolution deadens the mind.

While you are the simple solution contained in a red 3 X 6 box, you are a liar. You contain so many options, but with a catch, you are filled to the brim with an unusual amount of garbage. I want that to be changed. Substituting quantity for quality is a poor business model; although it seems to be the current trend. You are now the Wal- Mart of renting videos. Congrats. You should ask Tommy Boy about quality. I am not interested in crappy Bruce Willis movies. He is the same character over and over. Just like Keanu Reeves. UGH. Then you have classics every so often, just to tease me, like a tan-knie. More Denzel for a start. Okay? Lets nail that first, then we can move on.

Speaking of making this higher quality, lets also talk about the movie cases themselves? What are the cheap recycled plastic cases supposed to be? A coaster? A hot pad? A Frisbee? Cause that is what they look like they have been used for.  Put them in a decent case, not some universal crap. I want to have that box produce a gift, not some unisex case. Understand? I mean, it is pretty much already magic.

Economically I have no issue. Slide your card and be gone. Thanks, you have made wasting one hour and forty-five minutes very accessible and easy. Plus, you get me. I really only want to watch the rental once and return it back to the magic red box. Did I mention that it can be ANY redbox? GENIUS, I tell you, genius I say!

Sincerely.

David.

PS. I am going to warn everyone to not just rent a movie cause it looks good. Gambling on a redbox movie is entertainment suicide. There goes half of your profit.