Pretty Badass

Great song, better stunt. He is focused and feels badass.

when you leave me alone....

I try to pretend that I am a loner, like it somehow makes me stronger, but really, being a loner sucks. I tell myself and others that I am "independent," and that I don't "need" friends around me all the time. I couldn't be more wrong. Humans need other humans in their human lives. That's just science. Who wants to eat a banana by themselves? No heterosexual.

Look at Alan. As soon as he got Doug, Phil, and Stu, he knew he had a wolf pack.  Lemme quote Alan:

I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack- it grew by one, so where there two- there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the wolf pack and Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought 'Wait a second, could it be?' And now I know for sure- I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. The four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! Takes out a knife and cuts his hand. Blood Brothers!

I just hope I do not become like Alan, but I fear for myself when I am alone. Cause I do strange things.

I shave my legs. Seriously. Depressing. The back of the knee is so hard to get too. Again, depressing.
I make up my own rap songs. I have NEVER been good at it.
I wander the house looking.... There is absolutely no loose change in our house or leper-cons.
I facebook stalk. How sad.
I just look at my wall. No doubt man, like my own prison, straight thug.
I write in my journal. More prison stuff, you wouldn't get it. 
I go to movies. Not too bad actually.
I play on a seesaw. 
Work on my craft.

Whitney: decent at singing.

Man, Eff the police.

I mean it. Eff da police. All of them are power hungry, rude, non contributing zeros. They are people who just gave up on their dreams. Kids do not want to grow up and be a traffic cop. Unless they get off on being an ass. Should have just been a customer service rep for Verizon. Interesting fact, Cops always have terrible credit. Idiots, they'll never qualify for a mortgage. Another fact, they always have small packages. Cops are just a bunch of mouth breathers. It's not like I can just come into their normal life and be like, "Hey man, what you are doing, with that mustache and wife beater, it's against the rules. HEY! HEY! Don't talk, I am in control. Don't make me flex my nuts." Final fact, they have such large heads and smell of BRUTE.

That was a little harsh. They do a lot for us; they keep the peace, pretend to care, keep people from speeding. I know. I just don't get the hostility to people who are not rude to them. I.E. me. I get pulled over so much that I think I deserve a "frequent stopped card". It's sabotage man. I am a vet. I've been through their bogus routine so much, that I have my registration, licence, and proof of insurance as I pull over to the side of the road.

I love their line of questioning when they come up to the window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Wait, is that rhetorical. Like, you actually want a response. Ummm, yes. Yes I do. Then, after I have stated that I do in fact know that I was breaking the law, they repeat back to me what I did. Thanks officer, but I am not the one that is going to have to fill out paper work. 

"Get your licence, insurance, and registration." Please maybe? Just once, in your life, be polite. Oh, that's too hard. You should have been a lunch lady then. And why the heck are you standing so far back from the window. You can clearly see I have no weapon in or around my lap.

Then they do that whole "let's wait in the car" line of B.S. 

Really dude/butch? I know that it takes you .5 seconds to find out that I have nothing on my record. Is this a 'timeout' or something? Okay, fine, I'll put my nose into the steering wheel and think about what I have done. Just give me a spanking next time. Timeouts are for girls. 

They come back to the car and pretend to be all cool cause they "reduced" the ticket. And here I am, thanking THEM! I just have to bend over and take it cause I don't want to have to literally bend over in county. I say "Officer" and "Oh. Thanks," just to cover my bases. I wish I could be forthcoming and say, "You just ruined my day. I hope one of your kids is allergic to peanuts and falls into a bathtub full of peanuts. Or better yet, I hope someone tapes your eye lids shut with permanent tape," (but seriously, how frustrating. AHH I can't get this tape off! And its @#!$&*# tape!). 

Happy Valentine's Day.

Last V-day, I was.... what was I doing? Cant remember; pretty memorable day. This is the third post in a month, revolving around women and love. Sorry, its Februany, I got the love bug.

So, in order to make this V-day memorable, and in honor of this "give me a thoughtful 'I LOVE you' gift" day, I decided to kick it off right by watching the "Bachelor". What could show me, a cold hearted animal, what it feels like to be in love, better than a "non-scripted, reality" TV show. If you are a doubter, like I was, you need to watch it at least once in your life. I promise, you'll come away with more questions about love than answers. I really did enjoy it, mostly because of how authentic and organic it all feels. Nothing seems fake or planned, it really comes across natural and real.
NOTE: I had to keep my head from falling off of my neck.... I was rolling my eyes so hard.
I could go on and on about the show (just after one episode, its THAT juicy), but I'll just say this about the show: Courtney has a real shot at getting a spot on a soap opera. She makes the show. As well as how dense Ben is.

Like I said, after I was done with the Bachelor, I had more questions than answers about the L word and its associated feelings. I thought it prudent to turn to men who have always been considered connoisseurs of love. Take a listen, because these tracks are love-making music baby. If  these songs don't make you put on the smolder face and nod your head, you have neither a heart or ears.







Did you notice what all those videos have in common? That's right, a black man with soul. That led me to the only black man I am close enough to talk to about love, and oddly enough he is in love, Mowgli. Now, I know we have had him on the blog before, but never has he been more of an expert on love than he is at this moment. The interview was not exactly what I was hoping for.... meaning, it was pretty bland/boring/it sucks. Maybe, it was my monotone voice or that he didn't really want to play my game.

Me: Sean, what kind of feeling is love like, a shot through the heart, or the kind of feeling that makes you wanna say, 'come on, and love me sexy'?
Sean: Come on and love me sexy.
Me: So, you'd agree with Jackie Moon?
Sean: Jackie Moon says it best.
Does he really believe that? C'mon and suck me sexy? My magic eight ball says, 'DOUBTFUL.'

Me: When do you know you're in love; when you are over checking them out or when you finally can stand hearing them chew their gum?
Sean: Good question. I feel like when you are over checking them out though.
Me: Is love a 'many a ... splendid thing'? (Don't watch that whole clip. Nicole Kidman is such a whore.)
Sean: Sure, I guess.
Can't blame him for not knowing the reference, the last Romantic movie he saw was The Vow. He even gave it three and half stars out of five.... Weak. 

Me: Does love actually affect your physical composition?
Sean: Yes.
Me: In what way?
I had heard it changes the way your heart is shaped.
Sean: Chuckle. I can't tell you. It's inappropriate.
He must be talking about the pleats in his dress pants. 


Me: When people say they fell in love, what does that mean? And did that happen to you?
Sean: Yes.
Me: K. It happened to you.What does that mean?
Sean: It means the other person tripped them. So...
Me: Alright, you gunna go with that?
He nods his head, and rubs his eyes.It apparent that he couldn't care less. The amount he cares is so minimal that I can barely stand it. 


Me: K... Have you ever lied and said you loved someone?
Sean: Yeah.
Me: Who?
Sean: You.
Both Sean and Hillary chuckle then laugh. He laughs a little too hard at his own joke. Unfazed by their lack of cooperation and humor, I continue with the interview; like a professional.
Me: Sex. What are your thoughts on its connection to love?
Sean: I feel like it is a necessary step, to show your love, after the appropriate steps have been taken.
Then he says something that I can't hear, but it's probably really boring. 


Me: What was Eric Clapton really saying when he said, 'Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven,'?
Sean: Ha...I think he's admiring an angel from afar, and he wonders if she notices him too.
Me: Sarcastically. Do you really think it is a love song though?
Sean: Uh, probably.
Gives me an annoyed look and laugh. Probably? You're damn right it is. 


Me: Are you a selfish lover?
Sean: No.
Me: What makes you so unselfish?
Sean: I am a generous person.
I laugh inside this time. Generous. 
Me: So, could you ever fall in love with a man?
Sean: No. He chuckles. I wonder why he chuckled. I wouldn't chuckle at that. 
Me: Whats the shortest amount of time you have been in love?
Sean: Uh...Long pause. Six days.
Me: Who?
Sean: You. He laughs at his own joke again.

In conclusion, I now know that Sean doesn't have an essential element of the true black man, i.e. Romantic - soul. He has no idea about love. I am no closer to the end of my quest and frustrated more than ever.  This search is starting to feel like Zelda, The Ocarina of Time, on N64.

Red Flags

After I wrote my previous post, it got me thinking that I need to add dragon eyes to my mental list of red flags. I have the basic ones, her family, how she chews her gum, if she is a 'yeller' or 'thrower', laugh and humor, favorite movie, and finally, if she spells her name with a "i", when it should be a "y". Then, I turned to my girl, Kristen Wiig for some answers.

She Dragon.

There was this girl the other day, on campus, who had an extreme amount of eyeshadow. It was so bright, that I almost mistook her face for a neon sign. Too much of a good thing can be bad, and in this case, it was. She had the Dragon eyes; which is a red flag. Initially, she might seem appealing, but when you dig deeper, you know there is a story to be told. As in our case, Shrek provides the story, doctrine, and principle of the 'She Dragon'.

"Dragon is never given a proper name in the [Shrek] films. Her fire can melt metal in seconds, such as Prince Charming's sword in the third film. She has a taste for knights, her favorite dish. She even has a recipe book for preparing them for dinner. In the first film, Dragon is charged with guarding Princess Fiona in her isolated castle, and is therefore initially seen by Shrek and Donkey as an antagonist. While Shrek tries to rescue the princess, Donkey finds himself at the mercy of Dragon. However, in terror, he successfully, but unintentionally, wins her over. Shrek and Donkey manage to escape with Fiona, leaving Dragon behind. Dragon returns later in the film, having escaped the volanic keep, and reunites with Donkey. She flies him and Shrek to Duloc to prevent Fiona marrying Lord Farquaad, whom she later eats. Dragon and Donkey begin a relationship, and at the end of the film, when Shrek and Fiona get married, Fiona tosses her bouquet and Dragon catches it. She looks over at Donkey, who then looks at Shrek with surprise and slight terror. After Shrek nods to Donkey, giving them his blessing, Donkey accepts Dragon as his mate," (taken from Wikipedia). Then they make some kind of ugly flying jackass. The end.

Women, with dragon eyes, are like the dragon. Initially, violent, even willing to murder. Which can be attractive, even fun, I guess. Somehow, in their insanity, the dragon woman will fall in love with you. However, you did nothing to promote that feeling, nor did you reciprocate that feeling. You were merely interested. You are forced, not by the laws of nature or love, rather the laws of submission, to give into them. If you do not, they will eat you; they love eating people. In the end, you will make ugly looking babies. 

When you see a woman with dragon eyes, you become interested. When you become interested, you say too much. When you say too much, you get into trouble. When you get into trouble, you get end up in a commitment. When you have a commitment, you make rash decisions. And when you make rash decisions, you wake up to an ugly baby. Stop making rash decisions. Don't look at women with dragon eyes.

NOTE: I do not have any real experience in this field. But I know a many men who have fallen to this con. Thanks to their experiences, I have dodged that bullet. Her eyes tell the story. And she either has F.P. or the murder gene, for sure.

Music that TRANSCENDS through the ages... and always will.

Does this song sound familiar? That's because it is. Ever seen Space Jam? Yeah. The greatest soundtrack of all time. Take the time to listen to those tunes.



I heard O.P.P., by Naughty by Nature during the super bowl, so of course I came home and YouTubed it. Which took me down the rabbit hole. I couldn't get out. Two hours later, I wished I had been born a decade earlier.






And you CANNOT beat Marky Mark. Why did he give it up??????????????????????

Day of Advent

Everyone loves an underdog. What makes it so inspirational is that they beat the odds despite their inadequacies. The underdog never quite matches up. On paper they don't even compare. Think George Mason   in 2006, Matt Saracen, Susan Boyle, Lone Survivor, Jesse Ventura, the Utah Jazz, Justin Bieber, Ricky Martin, Kanye, Channing Tatum, David and Goliath, and of course Rudy. We all can relate. I'm not telling you anything new, but one thing that has become a revelation to me as of late, was realization that I was the underdog.

Statistically, I am average. Numbers don't lie, but somehow, I've been tricking myself into believing that I was somewhat of the exception. I should have realized this when I was in High School. My basketball coach pulled me aside and told me to not shoot in games. Ever. Only lay-ups. (Coach Williams, I blame this post on you, and every failure I have ever had! You shot a young mans confidence down like the Hindenburg.) Or maybe I should have know when I tried out for a JC football team and got cut.

My day of reckoning came in the form of saved legged, sleeveless shirt, pretty boy. It was just a simple three and three game the other afternoon, but it soon turned into a school for the under privileged, that being me. It didn't matter what I did, this kid carved me up like a thanksgiving turkey. What made it worse is that he had his girlfriend watching... and cheering. Here I was, on an island, with some random dude humiliating me in front of my buddies, The People and Mowgli, and his smoking hot girlfriend clapping. It was a tortuous hell. To some degree, I now know what water boarding feels like*. After we lost the third game 15 - 5**, he walked off, hand in hand with his girl, and didn't even look back. My head was still reeling when I had an epiphany. I am just average. Simply put, I am sub par. I was so bothered, that I debated whether or not to burn every piece of basketball gear when I got home. That bitter taste didn't ebb away until the sun rose, my wounds were healing, and I realized that there is obviously much more to life than sports. I went from one paradigm shift to another in a matter of hours.

For every success there are a thousand failures. I am sure glad that my future doesn't rely on playing basketball. That being said, I sure hope it isn't indicative of what is to come - being washed-up. So, in a way, I've accepted that I suck and will no longer try hard at things that I am not an expert at***.

* No. No I do not. I have no clue.
** I didn't win a single game that afternoon. 0-4.
***Any suggestions?

Thumbs up.

I have a new guilty pleasure. It's called Thumb. It is a phone app (free) that has changed the way I view the world around me. If I ever have a question, I don't ask my family, friends, or an eight ball, I ask the advisers of Thumb. Lemme give you some examples:

"Would you be a surrogate mother for Charlie Sheen?"
Surprisingly, only 85% of the 78 votes said they would. However, Luis U., from California said that he would because "then he would have tigers blood in [him]." Maybe Luis and I do not know what being a surrogate mother really demands. Gaz T. said, "I'll give it a go."  Way to go Gaz!
Not a single woman from my survey said that they would, only men said yes... Interesting.

"Are human bodies a viable fertilizer?"
The voting was close, 48% said yes, while 52% said no, out of 124 votes. Conor M. said, "Only [if the bodies]  are murder victims." This kind of question would bring out the best of 'my people'. Jordan L. thought it was a good idea in case of the "Zombie Apocalypse." I am pretty sure dead humans, who were killed by Zombies, become Zombies. Thanks for playing Jordan.
Elisabeth C. from Rhode Island thanked me for the great tip and called me 'sir'. i have that kind of respect in the community. Mike R. reassured me that human bodies would be great for my garden, by responding, "Fact." Amanda B. disagreed though, and simply said, "Horseshit." She could be talking about my question or that horseshit is in fact a better fertilizer. I guess I'll give horseshit a try first.

"The entire state of New Mexico should be annexed from the union. Right?"
Of the 109 votes, ranging from Oregon to Florida, 72% gave me the thumbs down. Leeky S. asked, "Why? Were they bad?" We can all assume that Leeky has no credibility, with a name like Leeky and he has never been to New Mexico. Then, Jane F., called me racist. She is right though. I am; I am racist against aliens. New Mexico is another planet. Thus, those who live on this other planet are aliens. Watch the X-files Jane.

"Are you allowed to store pet gators in storage units?"
107 voters, 21% gave me the affirmative nod. The majority was pretty concerned for the animals well being. Jamie N. educated me, "[Gators] can break out of anything. They are very strong and mean. It would eat you one day lol." Good to know Jamie. I never knew reptilian had super strength. Another person, Lee T. told me I was stupid. Melinda B. from Texas added insult to injury by asking me if I rode the short bus. I told her that I am not allowed on public transit. She gave me the 'lol'. These guys and their jokes....

Voting on other people's questions can be really fun too. You get a lot of people asking if they are good looking. I like those ones, cause 95% of the time, they aren't. I have been asked where to buy Uggs, if I have tried African Mango (not the fruit I found out later), and how long it took me to learn English.

The advisers of Thumb have become a huge asset to me. They have helped me determine if I should be at my wife's third delivery, even if I am not the father. If Sarah Palin is dumber than a bag of hair. And finally, if Nicolas Cage is actually a vampire.

Game of the Month.

Text while walking. Then stop. In a busy hallway. Stay put. Finish that text.

Hopefully, you have a slide keyboard and all you write is "lol". That would be funny.

Or, if you are in a queue, just start texting as you can sense the line move.